This is a genuine test of MANhood and is accurate to 99.9% MAN.
# 1
What would you rather be?
(A) A woMAN.
(B) I don't know.
(C) A legend.
# 2
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it..."
(A) "...make a sound?"
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...mean that a deaf MAN head butted it."
# 3
You're at a friend’s house and they offer you a banana. What do you say?
(A) "Oh lovely, a banana. I'll gobble that right down."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "Get that banana out of my face or I'll cut it off at the balls."
# 4
Fight Club. Discuss.
(A) "What appears to be a film about MEN touching each other is actually a film about a MAN touching himself."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "His name is Robert Paulson."
# 5
Do you worship God or Satan?
(A) God.
(B) I don't know.
(C) Whichever is the one I see in the mirror.
# 6
Which of the following is the closet to your life motto?
(A) "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you."
(B) "I don't know."
(C) "Arbeit macht frei."
# 7
Complete the sentence: "Fight fire with..."
(A) "...fire."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...water."
# 8
"Stupid is as..."
(A) "...stupid does."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...woMAN does."
# 9
You are perforMing AN intiMAte coNcert of earthy folk tunes detailing the lives of coal Miners ANd railway barons when Music from A Nearby teenwhore gig interrupts. Your reaction.
(A) "Those Sugababes sure have sass."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "That shitfull music is disrupting my storytelling."
# 10
"When life throws you lemons..."
(A) "...make lemonade."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...catch them."
Mostly A: Nice tits, bitch.
Mostly B: Indecision is a signpost that a woMAN driver has crashed into killing all her male passengers whilst rendering her deformed and thus unusable to reMAiNing MEN.
Mostly C: A real MAN doesn't need a test to prove it. A real MAN knows it. He feels it every time he looks at a woMAN, every time he arm-wrestles a punk into submission, every time he wraps a shiv. Every cell in his body vibrates every moment of every day with the power of MAN. A real MAN wouldn't have read this far. Better get the tampons in.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
"Bumforgiven"
"They call me The Myopic Kid, on account of my firearm of choice." He twirled the pistol in his hand. "The Colt Myopic 88."
"That’s a Colt Nay 33 kid."
The young horseman squinted at the raised lettering on his pistol. "The Nay Kid?" he mumbled. "Look mister, I ain't here to discuss the finer points of pistol names."
"Best you be telling me your business then," said the old farmer.
"Two gay cowboys cut up a manwhore pretty bad. All up in his titties and such. Worked over his sack too I expect. All them she males have collaborated their earnings and are offering a reward for justice."
"Justice or vengeance?"
"It don't matter beyond the telling of it. I'm just looking to get my hands on some of that brown gold and maybe some free ones while I'm at it."
"I'm not giving out free ones kid."
"I'm here because I need a partner and I heard you were a killin' machine. Story was that a man could make a healthy living from digging graves in your wake."
"You got the wrong man kid."
"Heard tell that Dead Man Pass used to be called Crowning Meadows till you took it on yourself to clean it up."
"That ain't me kid."
"Heard you even killed Gambling Freakshow Eddie Owe Nine. And they say he could dodge bullets."
The old farmers eyes cut the horizon. "Freakshow Eddie," memories from the ether, "I fired on him. Sumbitch was faster than a shadow, crouched right down to the dirt. Didn't know I was aiming for his balls."
"The duck of death," whispered The Myopic Kid.
"His face, it disappeared, fell away from his skull like a crimson shroud. A mans features shouldn't do that..."
"Pa, another hog has the fever." The farmer’s young sons voice cut through the past.
"Goddamnit kid, that ain't me, not anymore."
The old farmer kicked at the dirt. "Kid, I upheld the law. I killed men like others swatted midgets. And I killed some of those little fellas too. If they were deserving it. But I met a woman. A good woman. And I calmed my ways, took to working in a Public Trust Bank, until we had sufficient savings. I bought this here hog farm on which I could raise the little ones. Now my wife, God rest her soul, is waiting for me on the other side. When I see her again, I know she'll be proud that I kept to my peaceful ways."
"Seems like a step backwards to me," said the Kid.
"Well I guess it depends on which way your facing. Now you best be following your path." Spinning his horse, the kid made to ride away but turned back again. "You looking rusty and all but if the wind blows differently and you want to catch up with me, I'll be riding along Boddicker ridge."
"Kid," said the old farmer."
"Yeah mister."
"Some advice. Good easy on the aftershave. A drop of infinity goes a long way and I smelled you coming two days ago."
Long after the beat of hooves on dirt had left his ears, the yearning remained in his heart.
"Pa, the damn hogs, they got the fever."
The old farmer stood ten feet from the post upon which he had placed the can. The mechanism in his leg long since unused began to buzz to life. It blossomed and his sidearm emerged. Raising it as he had done many times before, he spoke the words more out habit than necessity.
"Dead or alive, your coming with me." And he fired.
Later they would speak and sing and mime:
"A can once filled with corn so sweet,
perched on a post under the Missouri heat.
Dimpled skin, jagged edges; rusted rivers over it flowed,
It had served its purpose; it had carried its life load.
Yet, of something special it still became aware,
A stirring, goosebumbs, a neck with prickled hair.
Red bullets tore through without concern, pause or stop.
The return of a hero. Half man. Half machine. All cop."
"That’s a Colt Nay 33 kid."
The young horseman squinted at the raised lettering on his pistol. "The Nay Kid?" he mumbled. "Look mister, I ain't here to discuss the finer points of pistol names."
"Best you be telling me your business then," said the old farmer.
"Two gay cowboys cut up a manwhore pretty bad. All up in his titties and such. Worked over his sack too I expect. All them she males have collaborated their earnings and are offering a reward for justice."
"Justice or vengeance?"
"It don't matter beyond the telling of it. I'm just looking to get my hands on some of that brown gold and maybe some free ones while I'm at it."
"I'm not giving out free ones kid."
"I'm here because I need a partner and I heard you were a killin' machine. Story was that a man could make a healthy living from digging graves in your wake."
"You got the wrong man kid."
"Heard tell that Dead Man Pass used to be called Crowning Meadows till you took it on yourself to clean it up."
"That ain't me kid."
"Heard you even killed Gambling Freakshow Eddie Owe Nine. And they say he could dodge bullets."
The old farmers eyes cut the horizon. "Freakshow Eddie," memories from the ether, "I fired on him. Sumbitch was faster than a shadow, crouched right down to the dirt. Didn't know I was aiming for his balls."
"The duck of death," whispered The Myopic Kid.
"His face, it disappeared, fell away from his skull like a crimson shroud. A mans features shouldn't do that..."
"Pa, another hog has the fever." The farmer’s young sons voice cut through the past.
"Goddamnit kid, that ain't me, not anymore."
The old farmer kicked at the dirt. "Kid, I upheld the law. I killed men like others swatted midgets. And I killed some of those little fellas too. If they were deserving it. But I met a woman. A good woman. And I calmed my ways, took to working in a Public Trust Bank, until we had sufficient savings. I bought this here hog farm on which I could raise the little ones. Now my wife, God rest her soul, is waiting for me on the other side. When I see her again, I know she'll be proud that I kept to my peaceful ways."
"Seems like a step backwards to me," said the Kid.
"Well I guess it depends on which way your facing. Now you best be following your path." Spinning his horse, the kid made to ride away but turned back again. "You looking rusty and all but if the wind blows differently and you want to catch up with me, I'll be riding along Boddicker ridge."
"Kid," said the old farmer."
"Yeah mister."
"Some advice. Good easy on the aftershave. A drop of infinity goes a long way and I smelled you coming two days ago."
Long after the beat of hooves on dirt had left his ears, the yearning remained in his heart.
"Pa, the damn hogs, they got the fever."
The old farmer stood ten feet from the post upon which he had placed the can. The mechanism in his leg long since unused began to buzz to life. It blossomed and his sidearm emerged. Raising it as he had done many times before, he spoke the words more out habit than necessity.
"Dead or alive, your coming with me." And he fired.
Later they would speak and sing and mime:
"A can once filled with corn so sweet,
perched on a post under the Missouri heat.
Dimpled skin, jagged edges; rusted rivers over it flowed,
It had served its purpose; it had carried its life load.
Yet, of something special it still became aware,
A stirring, goosebumbs, a neck with prickled hair.
Red bullets tore through without concern, pause or stop.
The return of a hero. Half man. Half machine. All cop."
Friday, January 06, 2006
Making the Film
"Quick we're losing him" I screamed.
"He is fast.........very fast." Said my slightly out of breath female assistant.
Sure she was carring all the equipment but that was no excuse for losing our target.
"What did you expect? If he was slow we wouldnt be here. Now shut up and keep running."
"I dont think I can keep going I need to sit down." She panted as she slumped into a cafe chair.
"What the hell? How do you expect us to get the money Daly promised us if you keep on taking breaks?"
"How much money are we getting you havent even told me how much I am getting. I think I should know after all I paid for the airline tickets and bought all the equipment.."
"For the love of God woman, SHUT UP. With all of your talking and sitting it will be a wonder if we get any footage at all. Right give me the labtop I need to find out where our star lives."
"The... Lap....Top......?"
"Yes. Have you developed a speach impediment? The laptop which I told you to bring?"
"Well I dont think I was there when you told me that."
"..............What the hell kind of sence does that make? Are you trying to tell me that when I had a conversation with you, you were not even there to hear it? I dont want to talk to you when you are standing in front of me why the hell would I talk to you when you werent there? That is the stupidest..."
"Shut up he's looking at us"she said looking over my shoulder.
"Who is?" I said looking around, "And did you just tell me to shut up?"
It was then I saw him walking towards us the star of my soon to be bet winning video.
"Ok" I shreaked "Act natural".
I sprang into the nearest chair and screamed a the top of my voice, "Ha Ha Ha that was so witty," at my slightly starteled and less than able boddied assistant. Shit I thaught one look at her and he will know I am up to something there is no way she was being witty. Keeping my head down I watch him walk by in my periferal vision once I am sure he is out of ear shot I detail my cunningly devised plan to my acomples. She is to go to the top of the street and set up video camera, while I pay a homless peson to attack our star. It was briliant, an instant short film with no overheads. As she gathers the equipment I pay the slightly over weight and heavily intoxiated homeless man. After a few tries I finally get him to understand what I want and watch with pride as he charges off screaming profanities towards the designated area. I returned to my seat confident in the knollage that my plan was fool proof and that I could watch the fight later. About twenty minutes later my once more out of breath assistant stumbles out of a building and walks towards me. This was odd in two ways, firstly as I had sent her up the street and secondly what had she been doing in a one story building that could have left her out of breath?
"So what happened? Did you get the fight on film?" I asked slightly unsure if I wanted to hear what she had done.
"No he didnt turn up." she said once more slumping into her seat.
"But I saw our star walk up the street and the homless guy followed him. Was there no fight?"
"Up the street? But I was in that building over there?" She said pointing at the slightly rundown one story building she had staggered out of.
"Why were you in that building?" I said struggeling to hold my temper.
"Well," she said slightly uneasily "I must of thaught that was what you wanted me to do."
That was it my face turned purple and I was using every ounce of will power to try to control my insurmountable rage. After all if I killed her now there were too many witnesses. And I was unsure if I could survive life in a thailand prision but I was concidering it. As I stood rooted to the spot I over heard a conversation an American was having with his friend.
"That was awesome I cannt believe we saw Tony Jaa kicking the shit out of that homeless guy. That was the greatest fight I have ever seen."
As I let my breath out slowly I turned to my petrified female assistant and said, "Thats it you just fucked up another one of my briliant plans. I am getting the hell out of this country. God, I really dont know why I keep you around. Now pack my bags and meet me at the airport............ Oh ya and you better give me a fiver it looks like Daly wins his bet."
"He is fast.........very fast." Said my slightly out of breath female assistant.
Sure she was carring all the equipment but that was no excuse for losing our target.
"What did you expect? If he was slow we wouldnt be here. Now shut up and keep running."
"I dont think I can keep going I need to sit down." She panted as she slumped into a cafe chair.
"What the hell? How do you expect us to get the money Daly promised us if you keep on taking breaks?"
"How much money are we getting you havent even told me how much I am getting. I think I should know after all I paid for the airline tickets and bought all the equipment.."
"For the love of God woman, SHUT UP. With all of your talking and sitting it will be a wonder if we get any footage at all. Right give me the labtop I need to find out where our star lives."
"The... Lap....Top......?"
"Yes. Have you developed a speach impediment? The laptop which I told you to bring?"
"Well I dont think I was there when you told me that."
"..............What the hell kind of sence does that make? Are you trying to tell me that when I had a conversation with you, you were not even there to hear it? I dont want to talk to you when you are standing in front of me why the hell would I talk to you when you werent there? That is the stupidest..."
"Shut up he's looking at us"she said looking over my shoulder.
"Who is?" I said looking around, "And did you just tell me to shut up?"
It was then I saw him walking towards us the star of my soon to be bet winning video.
"Ok" I shreaked "Act natural".
I sprang into the nearest chair and screamed a the top of my voice, "Ha Ha Ha that was so witty," at my slightly starteled and less than able boddied assistant. Shit I thaught one look at her and he will know I am up to something there is no way she was being witty. Keeping my head down I watch him walk by in my periferal vision once I am sure he is out of ear shot I detail my cunningly devised plan to my acomples. She is to go to the top of the street and set up video camera, while I pay a homless peson to attack our star. It was briliant, an instant short film with no overheads. As she gathers the equipment I pay the slightly over weight and heavily intoxiated homeless man. After a few tries I finally get him to understand what I want and watch with pride as he charges off screaming profanities towards the designated area. I returned to my seat confident in the knollage that my plan was fool proof and that I could watch the fight later. About twenty minutes later my once more out of breath assistant stumbles out of a building and walks towards me. This was odd in two ways, firstly as I had sent her up the street and secondly what had she been doing in a one story building that could have left her out of breath?
"So what happened? Did you get the fight on film?" I asked slightly unsure if I wanted to hear what she had done.
"No he didnt turn up." she said once more slumping into her seat.
"But I saw our star walk up the street and the homless guy followed him. Was there no fight?"
"Up the street? But I was in that building over there?" She said pointing at the slightly rundown one story building she had staggered out of.
"Why were you in that building?" I said struggeling to hold my temper.
"Well," she said slightly uneasily "I must of thaught that was what you wanted me to do."
That was it my face turned purple and I was using every ounce of will power to try to control my insurmountable rage. After all if I killed her now there were too many witnesses. And I was unsure if I could survive life in a thailand prision but I was concidering it. As I stood rooted to the spot I over heard a conversation an American was having with his friend.
"That was awesome I cannt believe we saw Tony Jaa kicking the shit out of that homeless guy. That was the greatest fight I have ever seen."
As I let my breath out slowly I turned to my petrified female assistant and said, "Thats it you just fucked up another one of my briliant plans. I am getting the hell out of this country. God, I really dont know why I keep you around. Now pack my bags and meet me at the airport............ Oh ya and you better give me a fiver it looks like Daly wins his bet."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)