As I look around the factory I see white walls, white machines, white floor, white ceiling…… except for one spot directly above my station which is blue. Why the fuck is there a blue spot in a factory painted white? I look around the rest of the ceiling its all white except for the spot directly above me. What type of sick bastard puts a blue spot on the ceiling? The ceiling must be at least 20 Meters high they would have had to been on a ladder to paint it. Did they run out of paint and blue was the original color of the ceiling? Damn that would be cheap.
“Supervisor is coming.” says my tech who has just returned from the toilet.
“Did you have a good sleep?” I ask.
“Ya. If you sit on the toilet and face the wall you can rest your head on the cistern.”
He has a red line down one side of his face but I decide not tell him. The supervisor walks over to us.
“Ok you can stop working,” he says. I cannot tell if he is joking or not as it is pretty obvious that I haven’t been doing anything like work.
“There is a head corporate person here and he is giving a speech on the quarterly results and our plans for next Quarter.”
This wasn’t too bad as I laught when I thought back to last quarters meeting where we were told us we were the second best plant in Europe. I strolled over to line one to see if they were coming in to the meeting. The guy who works on line one was looking around guiltily.
“What have you done?” I ask.
“I left a circuit board in the machine when I went on break.”
“I thought you didn’t have any boards coming down your line?”
“Ya there weren’t but I was bored and took one from the repair station it didn’t have any capacitors on it but I wanted to see what would happen if I tested it.”
“And what happened?”
“It passed. But it turns out that if you leave a board in the machine for over an hour it turns brown.”
“So what did you do with it?”
“I put it in the bottom of that filling cabinet. There were already two boards in there so I put it on top of them.”
“Fuck sake, let’s just go into this meeting.” I say and we walk into the canteen where the meeting was on. It is already pretty crowded but we get some seats at the back. I get a look at the corporate guy, he is the typical American upper management type. Good suite and smiling at everyone as if he’s about to give them money. As he stands up to start the meeting 2 engineers and the tech from line 3 walked in. One of the engineers walks over and sits beside me.
“What kept you?” I ask.
“Just got this e-mail,” he says trying not to laugh, “it has what look like 14 women on it, but 7 of them are men. So far the tech from line 3 has done the worst he thought 6 of the men were women. If he is that bad when he’s sober imagine what he is like when he’s drunk.”
Trying to get the image of an inebriated tech from line 3 harassing some poor innocent transvestites, out of my head I turn my attention back to the meeting which has already started. The corporate guy had just finished telling everyone that we are once again the second best performing company in Europe. Then his smile falters a little and he starts talking about how the global economy has taken a down turn and how the cheaper labor in Eastern Europe and Asia means business is slow and we are going to have to tighten our belts. This means changing shift patterns without notice to make sure we meet the customers needs and that we need to find new business to break into. It’s at this point that I start thinking about the fact that we have a new line in the plant but that we only build the first half of the product. It is then packed up and sent to our sister company to be finished. Despite the fact that we have the manpower and the equipment to finish the product and our sister is further away from the end customer then we are. So I decide to ask a question.
“If we need new business why are we sending our new product to be finished in our sister plant shouldn’t we finish it here?”
He looks at me for a moment, his smile forgotten as if shocked that someone would question him. Or perhaps I should have put my hand up before shouting at him.
“Well we are not actually making any money on that product so we thought it best to split the costs between two factories.”
He turns to go back to his slide to continue but I decide not to let him off that easily.
“Why are we building something that we are not making any money on?”
He looks at me again still no smile and a couple of the managers behind him murmur something to one another. Maybe you are not supposed to shout things out in the middle of a meeting but I think, fuck it.
“This is a big customer and once we do this business with them they will consider us for more contracts which will have better margins on them.” He says and tries to put back on his smile but this time it’s a little more stretched.
He continues to explain why we are in trouble and then comes to the plan to recover profit for this quarter. This basically consists of everyone in our plant and our sister plant taking a 20% pay cut for this quarter. Once more I decide not to waste everyone’s time by raising my hand.
“Is there any guarantee that this is the only time our wages will be cut?” I shout.
Again there is a pause and stares from the front of the room. The corporate guy looks like he is sweating a little.
“Well of course we cannot guarantee anything but with new business like the new product, (the one he has just told me we are making no money on) we are confident of being back on track next quarter.”
He finishes the meeting with the usual keep up the good work crap and walks out of the room. I walk up to my supervisor and ask him for a pen and some paper. He tares off a corner from his note book and hands it to me, I write ‘I quit signed Kelly’ and hand it back to him. He looks at it for a moment and says.
“Why are you quitting?” I still cannot tell if he is joking or not but decide to tell him the truth.
“I would give two weeks notice but I don’t think this place will be here in two weeks.” I turn and walk out of the room.
As I walked out of the building I looked to my left to see a dog projectile vomit on a baby and think why the fuck did I get up this morning.
I would like to take this opportunity to say that when I decided to write a story on Friday I had been drinking. The only plan I had was after seeing a film where a dog projectile vomited on shoes I thought it would be funny to write a story which ends with a dog projectile vomiting on a baby. Seeing as the story is actually true, it was written on and about a Friday and I had seen the film about the dog the only thing I made up was the word baby. Showing once and for all that I have no creativity.
Still my first Idea was a story about a super hero dog whose only ability was to projectile vomited on babies. Luckily his arch enemy was a baby, (Maybe you know him) sergeant BA BA. I figure I could have gotten 10 posts out of that and I was going to have, ‘my dog just projectile vomited on you baby, cunt’ as the tag line. However due to the distinct possibility of legal action from Ragecorp I decided to write Friday instead.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
FRIDAY II. Friday's back and this time it’s personal
“Break time. Comon lets go.” The guy on line 1 seems overly happy.
“What are ye doing today?” I ask him.
“Nothing” he says, “they forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors so all the product they made has been rejected. So, break time?”
I look at my watch and see its 12.45, break is at 1 but I thought close enough and start walking towards the canteen.
“They forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors, isn’t there only like 3 bays on those machines? How did they miss the fact that one of them was empty?”
He shrugs his shoulders and we walk into the canteen. I can never figure out how no matter what time I walked into the canteen there was always a line. It was as if the person on the register refused to let anyone leave the line unless there was someone to replace them. As we got to the top of the line I looked over our three choices of main course.
1. Some type of pasta with white sauce and even whiter chicken pieces floating in it. 2. Something in Bread crumbs which I presume is cod. And 3 the vegetarian option which looks like someone has walked outside and put a load of leaves into a bowl and are calling it a salad.
“What ill it be?” asks the greasy and totally disinterested chief (I use that term loosely)
“I’ll have fish and chips. What is that cod?”I ask.
“Pork chops” is his reply, “You want some gravy with that?”
As I try to digest the fact that I have ordered battered pork chops and chips I look as the container filled with brown liquid with a black crust on top of it.
“No I’m good” I say and walk over to pay for my meal. Luckily the food is part paid for by the company so it only costs me €2.50 still I can’t help but feel I would have been happier with the money. I look around for some where to sit and see the guy from line one sit at a table with the guy working in the next station from me (who apparently hasn’t left the canteen since he went for coffee this morning) and a tech from line 3 so I go over to join them. As I sit down I look at the plate in front of the guy working in the next station from me.
“What the hell is that?” I say “did you go for the salad?”
“Ya I wanted to try it for a change. There was two pieces of carrot and the rest is lettuce. How can they call that a salad. Fuck, I’m going to get a bowl of chips.”
“You should get some gravy with that.”I say as he leaves the table.
I look over at the tech from line three who is talking to the guy from line one.
“I can’t believe you don’t remember him he was skeletor's master. I think his name was horlex.”
“Like the drink?” I say.
“Ya do you remember him?” he asks, “His face was half white and half black…”
“And his amour was shaped like a cup.” I say. He stares at me for a minute as if trying to remember if there was really a guy in he-man who looked like a cup. Luckily we were interrupted by my tech sitting at the table.
He turns to me and says, “Why didn’t you wake me I nearly slept through break?”
“I didn’t think it was an emergency.” I say “Anyway you never eat anything.”
“Ya” he says “but I have been looking forward to coffee and a fag.”
“You’ll never get back to sleep.”
“Don’t worry” he says and gets up and heads off to get his coffee.
The guy working in the next station from me sits back down and eats one of his chips. “I don’t think this is gravy.” he says as I cut into my pork chop. I now realize that the only reason to put bread crumbs on a pork chop is so you cannot see what the pork chop looks like.
As I walk out of the canteen at 2.20 the tech from line three walks with me telling me a story about how he once bought a car for €50 and drove it into Limerick drunk. The reason the car was so cheap he told me was that the steering column was not joined and that you had to lift the steering wheel to make the connection and steer. It sounded like bullshit but if there was ever a man who would pay €50 for a car which you cannot steer it was him. As we get to my machine, I sit down and the story ends with him abandoning the car on the nenagh bypass. I see the supervisor for line 3 coming towards us.
“Hey are those boards on trolley beside your machine tested yet? You are holding up the line” he says to the tech.
“Ya they‘re done and they have passed. Just throw them down the line.” says the tech.
As the supervisor walks back towards the line I look at the tech.
“When did you pass them I haven’t seen you at your machine all day?” I say.
“Ah, I didn’t test them. But they are probably fine.” He says looking around.
I worked on line three for a few days and knew that on a good day 50% of those boards would pass. As I watch his supervisor throw the boards down the line and listen to the tech bitch about the fact that I don’t have a seat for him I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
“What are ye doing today?” I ask him.
“Nothing” he says, “they forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors so all the product they made has been rejected. So, break time?”
I look at my watch and see its 12.45, break is at 1 but I thought close enough and start walking towards the canteen.
“They forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors, isn’t there only like 3 bays on those machines? How did they miss the fact that one of them was empty?”
He shrugs his shoulders and we walk into the canteen. I can never figure out how no matter what time I walked into the canteen there was always a line. It was as if the person on the register refused to let anyone leave the line unless there was someone to replace them. As we got to the top of the line I looked over our three choices of main course.
1. Some type of pasta with white sauce and even whiter chicken pieces floating in it. 2. Something in Bread crumbs which I presume is cod. And 3 the vegetarian option which looks like someone has walked outside and put a load of leaves into a bowl and are calling it a salad.
“What ill it be?” asks the greasy and totally disinterested chief (I use that term loosely)
“I’ll have fish and chips. What is that cod?”I ask.
“Pork chops” is his reply, “You want some gravy with that?”
As I try to digest the fact that I have ordered battered pork chops and chips I look as the container filled with brown liquid with a black crust on top of it.
“No I’m good” I say and walk over to pay for my meal. Luckily the food is part paid for by the company so it only costs me €2.50 still I can’t help but feel I would have been happier with the money. I look around for some where to sit and see the guy from line one sit at a table with the guy working in the next station from me (who apparently hasn’t left the canteen since he went for coffee this morning) and a tech from line 3 so I go over to join them. As I sit down I look at the plate in front of the guy working in the next station from me.
“What the hell is that?” I say “did you go for the salad?”
“Ya I wanted to try it for a change. There was two pieces of carrot and the rest is lettuce. How can they call that a salad. Fuck, I’m going to get a bowl of chips.”
“You should get some gravy with that.”I say as he leaves the table.
I look over at the tech from line three who is talking to the guy from line one.
“I can’t believe you don’t remember him he was skeletor's master. I think his name was horlex.”
“Like the drink?” I say.
“Ya do you remember him?” he asks, “His face was half white and half black…”
“And his amour was shaped like a cup.” I say. He stares at me for a minute as if trying to remember if there was really a guy in he-man who looked like a cup. Luckily we were interrupted by my tech sitting at the table.
He turns to me and says, “Why didn’t you wake me I nearly slept through break?”
“I didn’t think it was an emergency.” I say “Anyway you never eat anything.”
“Ya” he says “but I have been looking forward to coffee and a fag.”
“You’ll never get back to sleep.”
“Don’t worry” he says and gets up and heads off to get his coffee.
The guy working in the next station from me sits back down and eats one of his chips. “I don’t think this is gravy.” he says as I cut into my pork chop. I now realize that the only reason to put bread crumbs on a pork chop is so you cannot see what the pork chop looks like.
As I walk out of the canteen at 2.20 the tech from line three walks with me telling me a story about how he once bought a car for €50 and drove it into Limerick drunk. The reason the car was so cheap he told me was that the steering column was not joined and that you had to lift the steering wheel to make the connection and steer. It sounded like bullshit but if there was ever a man who would pay €50 for a car which you cannot steer it was him. As we get to my machine, I sit down and the story ends with him abandoning the car on the nenagh bypass. I see the supervisor for line 3 coming towards us.
“Hey are those boards on trolley beside your machine tested yet? You are holding up the line” he says to the tech.
“Ya they‘re done and they have passed. Just throw them down the line.” says the tech.
As the supervisor walks back towards the line I look at the tech.
“When did you pass them I haven’t seen you at your machine all day?” I say.
“Ah, I didn’t test them. But they are probably fine.” He says looking around.
I worked on line three for a few days and knew that on a good day 50% of those boards would pass. As I watch his supervisor throw the boards down the line and listen to the tech bitch about the fact that I don’t have a seat for him I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
Saturday, June 24, 2006
FRIDAY
“……….. Billy Jean is not my girl”
“Ohhhhhh”
“… who thinks that I am the one. But the…..”
Fuckin radio alarms. As I look at the time I see it says 8.30. Fuck I start work at 8.30, but as my sleep addled mind gets flooded with adrenalin I slowly realize that just like every other day for the last 6 months I have set my clock 20 minutes fast. Sweet 10 more minutes in bed and then 10 minutes to get ready, wash up and take the 15minute drive into work.
25 minutes later walk into work. Tell the security guard I forgot my clock in card, will have to sign in. The last person has written 8.40. Fuckin ass hole, it is going to look pure shit but I put 8.30 beside my name. Shit late, better play it cool keep eyes down, also checking I am wearing pants, smile don’t make noise or eye contact.
Sit at my machine turn on computer, sweet no one has asked me, ‘what time I think it is’ in a humorous but patronizing way. Look around something is not right not enough people on the line. Shit morning meeting …….. no they were cancelled when someone pointed out that they take 20 minutes but no one learns anything. Turn to the tech beside me.
“What’s going on?” I ask him. He looks at me with blood shot eyes, I notice his skin looks yellow.
“Don’t know……. I’m going for a sleep in the jacks, if anything happens wake me. I’ll be in the second cubicle in.”
“Ahhh, ya”. I’m not going to wake him but I figure nothing will happen anyway. Walk up to the next station.
“Where is everyone?”
“The start of the line was put on evenings.”
“Mmmm, were we put on evenings?”
“No……… I’m headin to the canteen for a coffee, You commin?”
“No I’m good” I say still trying to figure out what is going on.
Sit back at my machine and stare at the computer. It’s linked to my machine, no internet, no games….. Shit.
The supervisor walks up to me, this is never good.
“According to the clock in machine you were late twice this week. The production manager was on to me about it.”
Wrong I think I have been late 5 times this week but only used a clock in machine twice. I also thought the clock in card was only used to tell who is in the building in case of fire and not as a way of watching people but I can’t remember if that’s true or some thing I made up.
“Sorry won’t happen again.”
“Ok” he says “You better get back to work.”
What work I think but walk back to my machine. I decide I had better change things I don’t want the ‘According to the clock in machine’ talk again. From now on I’ll sign in every day.
As I sit at my machine and stare at the green screen I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
“Ohhhhhh”
“… who thinks that I am the one. But the…..”
Fuckin radio alarms. As I look at the time I see it says 8.30. Fuck I start work at 8.30, but as my sleep addled mind gets flooded with adrenalin I slowly realize that just like every other day for the last 6 months I have set my clock 20 minutes fast. Sweet 10 more minutes in bed and then 10 minutes to get ready, wash up and take the 15minute drive into work.
25 minutes later walk into work. Tell the security guard I forgot my clock in card, will have to sign in. The last person has written 8.40. Fuckin ass hole, it is going to look pure shit but I put 8.30 beside my name. Shit late, better play it cool keep eyes down, also checking I am wearing pants, smile don’t make noise or eye contact.
Sit at my machine turn on computer, sweet no one has asked me, ‘what time I think it is’ in a humorous but patronizing way. Look around something is not right not enough people on the line. Shit morning meeting …….. no they were cancelled when someone pointed out that they take 20 minutes but no one learns anything. Turn to the tech beside me.
“What’s going on?” I ask him. He looks at me with blood shot eyes, I notice his skin looks yellow.
“Don’t know……. I’m going for a sleep in the jacks, if anything happens wake me. I’ll be in the second cubicle in.”
“Ahhh, ya”. I’m not going to wake him but I figure nothing will happen anyway. Walk up to the next station.
“Where is everyone?”
“The start of the line was put on evenings.”
“Mmmm, were we put on evenings?”
“No……… I’m headin to the canteen for a coffee, You commin?”
“No I’m good” I say still trying to figure out what is going on.
Sit back at my machine and stare at the computer. It’s linked to my machine, no internet, no games….. Shit.
The supervisor walks up to me, this is never good.
“According to the clock in machine you were late twice this week. The production manager was on to me about it.”
Wrong I think I have been late 5 times this week but only used a clock in machine twice. I also thought the clock in card was only used to tell who is in the building in case of fire and not as a way of watching people but I can’t remember if that’s true or some thing I made up.
“Sorry won’t happen again.”
“Ok” he says “You better get back to work.”
What work I think but walk back to my machine. I decide I had better change things I don’t want the ‘According to the clock in machine’ talk again. From now on I’ll sign in every day.
As I sit at my machine and stare at the green screen I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
Friday, June 09, 2006
He's Invisbly Touching Himself too
So what's this post about then? I'll tell you what it's about. It's about what I want to be when I grow up. When I'm thirty I want to be Richard Sandrak when he was twelve. Noble.
Unfortunately no cutoffs!
Unfortunately no cutoffs!
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