10.20 the lights are red for crossing the street, it is a single lane of traffic and I mentally judge the distance to the other side of the road. Too far to jump even with a running start. As I scan the area for something which might help I notice a newspaper vending machine about 3 feet high.
“Eureka.” I scream and move back to get a running start. My idea is simple I run full speed at the machine and use it to get enough height to clear the cars and land safely on the other side of the road. At the same time I would be praying that there wouldn’t be a truck passing.
Then I am off, running full speed I leap and land with my full weight on the machine. But instead of going up I find myself going down. I hear the sound of Glass shatters and metal bending as I am catapulted face first onto the street. I jump to my feet expecting to be battered by an oncoming car, but to my relief the lights have changed and I’m going to live. I now have a lump on my forehead, a nose covered in blood, cuts on my face, a limp and I’m pretty sure I am wanted for assault on an old lady but I don’t have time to dwell on this I have to get to work. As I turn to continue my journey I see two men in suites and a lady with a fur coat wrestling for the last newspaper from the vending machine I just broke. ‘Some people have no dignity’ I think as I sprint off towards my new job.
10.30 I get to the building all I need to do now is make it to the third floor after the incident with the elevator earlier I decide to use the stairs. I burst through the door to the stairs and run straight into the cleaning lady. Moments later I am in the basement lying on top of the woman, covered in dirty water with a mop on my head. ‘Damn,’ I think, ‘most people pay good money to get into this position.’ I jump to my feet again heading up the stairs three steps at a time. I burst open the door to the third floor and there it is my new place of work. I walk up and look at the sign on the door:
KELLY INVESTIGATIONS
P.I., DETECTIVE, VISIONARY.
Finally I was here my first day at a new job, working for myself which was lucky as anyone else would have fired me on the spot.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
"Asslestar Galactica"
“We’ve got contacts.”
Commander Danadama birthed no emotion.
“How many?”
“Five Cylon Basestars.” Petty Officer Dualla’s voice trembled.
“Sir,” interrupted Lt. Agathon, “we only have four Cylon contacts.”
Petty Officer Dualla slammed her fist against her screen, “There are, FIVE, lights.”
“One of those is us,” spat Agathon.
“Sir, Lt. Agathon is a Cylon.”
Colonel Tigh awoke from a stupor. He was drunk, angry and his balls hurt.
“That is it,” he roared, drawing his firearm which had been wedged between his legs, “ I have had it with these mother fracking Cylons, on this mother fracking Battlestar.”
Danadama spoke. “Old friend, there are no Cylons on Galactica.”
“Sir, we’re receiving a transmission.”
“Put it on speakers Lt. Roborg.”
Roborg’s one red eye flashed across his face. “By your command.”
There was static first and then a voice.
“I don’t think they’re going to pick up.”
“This is Galactica Actual.”
“This is, uh, Cylon Actual. Listen, about that war, we’ve had a change of, uh, faith. We don’t believe in God anymore.” “Yeah fuck God,” chimed another voice.
“We found something way better to believe. So, you know, sorry… about the nuking and genocide…and stuff.” “Uh, so, we’ll be off, busy busy busy.”
“Target the lead Cylon ship.”
“Bringing guns online”
Danadama’s knuckles were white. “You destroyed everything we hold dear. You brought our people to the brink of extinction. You expect it to end like that.”
A new voice broke over the speakers.
“Danadama, you know, I could have killed you in your sleep.”
…
Almost everyone in the Galactica control centre turned to look at Danadama. Tigh, the only exception pulled at his collar. His face was covered in grey stubble and booze sweat. His ass hurt like hell and his gun was missing. Finally, he turned to his leader.
“It’s a beautiful morning,” said Danadama, “why don’t I make breakfast.”
Commander Danadama birthed no emotion.
“How many?”
“Five Cylon Basestars.” Petty Officer Dualla’s voice trembled.
“Sir,” interrupted Lt. Agathon, “we only have four Cylon contacts.”
Petty Officer Dualla slammed her fist against her screen, “There are, FIVE, lights.”
“One of those is us,” spat Agathon.
“Sir, Lt. Agathon is a Cylon.”
Colonel Tigh awoke from a stupor. He was drunk, angry and his balls hurt.
“That is it,” he roared, drawing his firearm which had been wedged between his legs, “ I have had it with these mother fracking Cylons, on this mother fracking Battlestar.”
Danadama spoke. “Old friend, there are no Cylons on Galactica.”
“Sir, we’re receiving a transmission.”
“Put it on speakers Lt. Roborg.”
Roborg’s one red eye flashed across his face. “By your command.”
There was static first and then a voice.
“I don’t think they’re going to pick up.”
“This is Galactica Actual.”
“This is, uh, Cylon Actual. Listen, about that war, we’ve had a change of, uh, faith. We don’t believe in God anymore.” “Yeah fuck God,” chimed another voice.
“We found something way better to believe. So, you know, sorry… about the nuking and genocide…and stuff.” “Uh, so, we’ll be off, busy busy busy.”
“Target the lead Cylon ship.”
“Bringing guns online”
Danadama’s knuckles were white. “You destroyed everything we hold dear. You brought our people to the brink of extinction. You expect it to end like that.”
A new voice broke over the speakers.
“Danadama, you know, I could have killed you in your sleep.”
…
Almost everyone in the Galactica control centre turned to look at Danadama. Tigh, the only exception pulled at his collar. His face was covered in grey stubble and booze sweat. His ass hurt like hell and his gun was missing. Finally, he turned to his leader.
“It’s a beautiful morning,” said Danadama, “why don’t I make breakfast.”
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Day 1. Part 1
Day one of my new life. I am finally starting my dream job. I had set the alarm set to wake me early as I wanted to be sure I wouldn’t be late. 5.00 alarm goes off. 10.00 I awake to find myself in a sitting position with one arm on the off button of the alarm.
“Shit, I’m late.” I scream. Although there was no one there to hear me.
I jump up fall over one of my shoes and smash my forehead into the wall. Damn but this day was off to a bad start. I start to pile the assortment of clothing and shoes which are currently on the floor into a heap. Sure it would be a lot better to actually tidy everything away but who has time for that?
I am still trying to get my second shoe on when I get to the elevator. The elevator is on the ground floor, I’m on the fifth, I start work at 8, it is currently 10.10 but I have an ace up my sleeve. It’s a little known fact that by pressing the elevator button as many times as possible the elevator will arrive sooner. I am in the middle of this flurry of finger work when the door beside me opens.
“Kelly rent”, says my grossly over weight landlord. What little hair he has left is black and from the corner of my eye I can see that he is wearing a string vest and a pair of boxers.
“What is a little money between friends?” I say without taking my eyes off the elevator button.
“It’s the difference between you living here and you living on the street.” He says in a rasping voice.
“Not a big difference then.” I mumble.
“Rent is paid by the end of the week or your out” he says and disappears back into the void he calls his home.
Finally my finger tapping pays off and the elevator opens. One occupant an old lady with the thickest pair of glasses I have ever seen. As I press lobby I note that she has pressed the 6th floor. Damn I think I do not need this today. As we get to the sixth floor and the doors have opened she looks out then looks at the elevator buttons.
“Oh dear,” she mumbles “I thought I pressed 8”.
“NOOO” I scream and grasp her by the shoulders. With all of my strength I launch the little old lady head first out of the elevator. The doors close to the shouts of “My hip, my hip” but hell at least I am on my way once more.
10.15, the doors open on the ground floor and I am off and running. I have to run 8 blocks and some how go back in time more that 2 hours, still no one ever said first days are easy.
As I get out the front door I run straight into the postman sending him flying into a parked car. I don’t even slow down I’m late and that bastard never gives me anything but bills.
“Shit, I’m late.” I scream. Although there was no one there to hear me.
I jump up fall over one of my shoes and smash my forehead into the wall. Damn but this day was off to a bad start. I start to pile the assortment of clothing and shoes which are currently on the floor into a heap. Sure it would be a lot better to actually tidy everything away but who has time for that?
I am still trying to get my second shoe on when I get to the elevator. The elevator is on the ground floor, I’m on the fifth, I start work at 8, it is currently 10.10 but I have an ace up my sleeve. It’s a little known fact that by pressing the elevator button as many times as possible the elevator will arrive sooner. I am in the middle of this flurry of finger work when the door beside me opens.
“Kelly rent”, says my grossly over weight landlord. What little hair he has left is black and from the corner of my eye I can see that he is wearing a string vest and a pair of boxers.
“What is a little money between friends?” I say without taking my eyes off the elevator button.
“It’s the difference between you living here and you living on the street.” He says in a rasping voice.
“Not a big difference then.” I mumble.
“Rent is paid by the end of the week or your out” he says and disappears back into the void he calls his home.
Finally my finger tapping pays off and the elevator opens. One occupant an old lady with the thickest pair of glasses I have ever seen. As I press lobby I note that she has pressed the 6th floor. Damn I think I do not need this today. As we get to the sixth floor and the doors have opened she looks out then looks at the elevator buttons.
“Oh dear,” she mumbles “I thought I pressed 8”.
“NOOO” I scream and grasp her by the shoulders. With all of my strength I launch the little old lady head first out of the elevator. The doors close to the shouts of “My hip, my hip” but hell at least I am on my way once more.
10.15, the doors open on the ground floor and I am off and running. I have to run 8 blocks and some how go back in time more that 2 hours, still no one ever said first days are easy.
As I get out the front door I run straight into the postman sending him flying into a parked car. I don’t even slow down I’m late and that bastard never gives me anything but bills.
Friday, September 01, 2006
The Office
Worker 1: “What is this error message you get when you open word?”
Worker 2: “I don’t get it.”
Worker 1: “Ya, I don’t get it either.”
??????????????????????
Worker 2: “I don’t get it.”
Worker 1: “Ya, I don’t get it either.”
??????????????????????
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
We want more pussy!
I presume this is the pussy you are talking about? God fearing guy like yourself (I heard you went to mass last Sunday).
He is coming for you Frankie. Let’s see your God save you now.
He is coming for you Frankie. Let’s see your God save you now.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
FRIDAY IV. Death of Friday
As my head finally began to clear and the adrenalin pumps through me my body jerked up wards. Sergeant BaBa had been seconds away from destroying the world and I had been knocked unconscious. As my vision returned I began to see that the room was different. It was covered in a white, chunk filled liquid. My fateful dog Dermot sat near me and I finally spotted Sergeant Baba desperately trying to paddle out of the deep end of a pool of vomit.
“Looks like we did it again boy. The world is saved from another evil baby. What do you say we head home and I get some food into you?”
Dermot obediently roles onto the pallet truck and we head for home. I know that even as we walk home another evil baby could be born but I feet confident that with Dermots at my side the world would be safe.
After all imagine how much he can vomit!
“Looks like we did it again boy. The world is saved from another evil baby. What do you say we head home and I get some food into you?”
Dermot obediently roles onto the pallet truck and we head for home. I know that even as we walk home another evil baby could be born but I feet confident that with Dermots at my side the world would be safe.
After all imagine how much he can vomit!
Friday, June 30, 2006
FRIDAY III. Son of Friday
As I look around the factory I see white walls, white machines, white floor, white ceiling…… except for one spot directly above my station which is blue. Why the fuck is there a blue spot in a factory painted white? I look around the rest of the ceiling its all white except for the spot directly above me. What type of sick bastard puts a blue spot on the ceiling? The ceiling must be at least 20 Meters high they would have had to been on a ladder to paint it. Did they run out of paint and blue was the original color of the ceiling? Damn that would be cheap.
“Supervisor is coming.” says my tech who has just returned from the toilet.
“Did you have a good sleep?” I ask.
“Ya. If you sit on the toilet and face the wall you can rest your head on the cistern.”
He has a red line down one side of his face but I decide not tell him. The supervisor walks over to us.
“Ok you can stop working,” he says. I cannot tell if he is joking or not as it is pretty obvious that I haven’t been doing anything like work.
“There is a head corporate person here and he is giving a speech on the quarterly results and our plans for next Quarter.”
This wasn’t too bad as I laught when I thought back to last quarters meeting where we were told us we were the second best plant in Europe. I strolled over to line one to see if they were coming in to the meeting. The guy who works on line one was looking around guiltily.
“What have you done?” I ask.
“I left a circuit board in the machine when I went on break.”
“I thought you didn’t have any boards coming down your line?”
“Ya there weren’t but I was bored and took one from the repair station it didn’t have any capacitors on it but I wanted to see what would happen if I tested it.”
“And what happened?”
“It passed. But it turns out that if you leave a board in the machine for over an hour it turns brown.”
“So what did you do with it?”
“I put it in the bottom of that filling cabinet. There were already two boards in there so I put it on top of them.”
“Fuck sake, let’s just go into this meeting.” I say and we walk into the canteen where the meeting was on. It is already pretty crowded but we get some seats at the back. I get a look at the corporate guy, he is the typical American upper management type. Good suite and smiling at everyone as if he’s about to give them money. As he stands up to start the meeting 2 engineers and the tech from line 3 walked in. One of the engineers walks over and sits beside me.
“What kept you?” I ask.
“Just got this e-mail,” he says trying not to laugh, “it has what look like 14 women on it, but 7 of them are men. So far the tech from line 3 has done the worst he thought 6 of the men were women. If he is that bad when he’s sober imagine what he is like when he’s drunk.”
Trying to get the image of an inebriated tech from line 3 harassing some poor innocent transvestites, out of my head I turn my attention back to the meeting which has already started. The corporate guy had just finished telling everyone that we are once again the second best performing company in Europe. Then his smile falters a little and he starts talking about how the global economy has taken a down turn and how the cheaper labor in Eastern Europe and Asia means business is slow and we are going to have to tighten our belts. This means changing shift patterns without notice to make sure we meet the customers needs and that we need to find new business to break into. It’s at this point that I start thinking about the fact that we have a new line in the plant but that we only build the first half of the product. It is then packed up and sent to our sister company to be finished. Despite the fact that we have the manpower and the equipment to finish the product and our sister is further away from the end customer then we are. So I decide to ask a question.
“If we need new business why are we sending our new product to be finished in our sister plant shouldn’t we finish it here?”
He looks at me for a moment, his smile forgotten as if shocked that someone would question him. Or perhaps I should have put my hand up before shouting at him.
“Well we are not actually making any money on that product so we thought it best to split the costs between two factories.”
He turns to go back to his slide to continue but I decide not to let him off that easily.
“Why are we building something that we are not making any money on?”
He looks at me again still no smile and a couple of the managers behind him murmur something to one another. Maybe you are not supposed to shout things out in the middle of a meeting but I think, fuck it.
“This is a big customer and once we do this business with them they will consider us for more contracts which will have better margins on them.” He says and tries to put back on his smile but this time it’s a little more stretched.
He continues to explain why we are in trouble and then comes to the plan to recover profit for this quarter. This basically consists of everyone in our plant and our sister plant taking a 20% pay cut for this quarter. Once more I decide not to waste everyone’s time by raising my hand.
“Is there any guarantee that this is the only time our wages will be cut?” I shout.
Again there is a pause and stares from the front of the room. The corporate guy looks like he is sweating a little.
“Well of course we cannot guarantee anything but with new business like the new product, (the one he has just told me we are making no money on) we are confident of being back on track next quarter.”
He finishes the meeting with the usual keep up the good work crap and walks out of the room. I walk up to my supervisor and ask him for a pen and some paper. He tares off a corner from his note book and hands it to me, I write ‘I quit signed Kelly’ and hand it back to him. He looks at it for a moment and says.
“Why are you quitting?” I still cannot tell if he is joking or not but decide to tell him the truth.
“I would give two weeks notice but I don’t think this place will be here in two weeks.” I turn and walk out of the room.
As I walked out of the building I looked to my left to see a dog projectile vomit on a baby and think why the fuck did I get up this morning.
I would like to take this opportunity to say that when I decided to write a story on Friday I had been drinking. The only plan I had was after seeing a film where a dog projectile vomited on shoes I thought it would be funny to write a story which ends with a dog projectile vomiting on a baby. Seeing as the story is actually true, it was written on and about a Friday and I had seen the film about the dog the only thing I made up was the word baby. Showing once and for all that I have no creativity.
Still my first Idea was a story about a super hero dog whose only ability was to projectile vomited on babies. Luckily his arch enemy was a baby, (Maybe you know him) sergeant BA BA. I figure I could have gotten 10 posts out of that and I was going to have, ‘my dog just projectile vomited on you baby, cunt’ as the tag line. However due to the distinct possibility of legal action from Ragecorp I decided to write Friday instead.
“Supervisor is coming.” says my tech who has just returned from the toilet.
“Did you have a good sleep?” I ask.
“Ya. If you sit on the toilet and face the wall you can rest your head on the cistern.”
He has a red line down one side of his face but I decide not tell him. The supervisor walks over to us.
“Ok you can stop working,” he says. I cannot tell if he is joking or not as it is pretty obvious that I haven’t been doing anything like work.
“There is a head corporate person here and he is giving a speech on the quarterly results and our plans for next Quarter.”
This wasn’t too bad as I laught when I thought back to last quarters meeting where we were told us we were the second best plant in Europe. I strolled over to line one to see if they were coming in to the meeting. The guy who works on line one was looking around guiltily.
“What have you done?” I ask.
“I left a circuit board in the machine when I went on break.”
“I thought you didn’t have any boards coming down your line?”
“Ya there weren’t but I was bored and took one from the repair station it didn’t have any capacitors on it but I wanted to see what would happen if I tested it.”
“And what happened?”
“It passed. But it turns out that if you leave a board in the machine for over an hour it turns brown.”
“So what did you do with it?”
“I put it in the bottom of that filling cabinet. There were already two boards in there so I put it on top of them.”
“Fuck sake, let’s just go into this meeting.” I say and we walk into the canteen where the meeting was on. It is already pretty crowded but we get some seats at the back. I get a look at the corporate guy, he is the typical American upper management type. Good suite and smiling at everyone as if he’s about to give them money. As he stands up to start the meeting 2 engineers and the tech from line 3 walked in. One of the engineers walks over and sits beside me.
“What kept you?” I ask.
“Just got this e-mail,” he says trying not to laugh, “it has what look like 14 women on it, but 7 of them are men. So far the tech from line 3 has done the worst he thought 6 of the men were women. If he is that bad when he’s sober imagine what he is like when he’s drunk.”
Trying to get the image of an inebriated tech from line 3 harassing some poor innocent transvestites, out of my head I turn my attention back to the meeting which has already started. The corporate guy had just finished telling everyone that we are once again the second best performing company in Europe. Then his smile falters a little and he starts talking about how the global economy has taken a down turn and how the cheaper labor in Eastern Europe and Asia means business is slow and we are going to have to tighten our belts. This means changing shift patterns without notice to make sure we meet the customers needs and that we need to find new business to break into. It’s at this point that I start thinking about the fact that we have a new line in the plant but that we only build the first half of the product. It is then packed up and sent to our sister company to be finished. Despite the fact that we have the manpower and the equipment to finish the product and our sister is further away from the end customer then we are. So I decide to ask a question.
“If we need new business why are we sending our new product to be finished in our sister plant shouldn’t we finish it here?”
He looks at me for a moment, his smile forgotten as if shocked that someone would question him. Or perhaps I should have put my hand up before shouting at him.
“Well we are not actually making any money on that product so we thought it best to split the costs between two factories.”
He turns to go back to his slide to continue but I decide not to let him off that easily.
“Why are we building something that we are not making any money on?”
He looks at me again still no smile and a couple of the managers behind him murmur something to one another. Maybe you are not supposed to shout things out in the middle of a meeting but I think, fuck it.
“This is a big customer and once we do this business with them they will consider us for more contracts which will have better margins on them.” He says and tries to put back on his smile but this time it’s a little more stretched.
He continues to explain why we are in trouble and then comes to the plan to recover profit for this quarter. This basically consists of everyone in our plant and our sister plant taking a 20% pay cut for this quarter. Once more I decide not to waste everyone’s time by raising my hand.
“Is there any guarantee that this is the only time our wages will be cut?” I shout.
Again there is a pause and stares from the front of the room. The corporate guy looks like he is sweating a little.
“Well of course we cannot guarantee anything but with new business like the new product, (the one he has just told me we are making no money on) we are confident of being back on track next quarter.”
He finishes the meeting with the usual keep up the good work crap and walks out of the room. I walk up to my supervisor and ask him for a pen and some paper. He tares off a corner from his note book and hands it to me, I write ‘I quit signed Kelly’ and hand it back to him. He looks at it for a moment and says.
“Why are you quitting?” I still cannot tell if he is joking or not but decide to tell him the truth.
“I would give two weeks notice but I don’t think this place will be here in two weeks.” I turn and walk out of the room.
As I walked out of the building I looked to my left to see a dog projectile vomit on a baby and think why the fuck did I get up this morning.
I would like to take this opportunity to say that when I decided to write a story on Friday I had been drinking. The only plan I had was after seeing a film where a dog projectile vomited on shoes I thought it would be funny to write a story which ends with a dog projectile vomiting on a baby. Seeing as the story is actually true, it was written on and about a Friday and I had seen the film about the dog the only thing I made up was the word baby. Showing once and for all that I have no creativity.
Still my first Idea was a story about a super hero dog whose only ability was to projectile vomited on babies. Luckily his arch enemy was a baby, (Maybe you know him) sergeant BA BA. I figure I could have gotten 10 posts out of that and I was going to have, ‘my dog just projectile vomited on you baby, cunt’ as the tag line. However due to the distinct possibility of legal action from Ragecorp I decided to write Friday instead.
Monday, June 26, 2006
FRIDAY II. Friday's back and this time it’s personal
“Break time. Comon lets go.” The guy on line 1 seems overly happy.
“What are ye doing today?” I ask him.
“Nothing” he says, “they forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors so all the product they made has been rejected. So, break time?”
I look at my watch and see its 12.45, break is at 1 but I thought close enough and start walking towards the canteen.
“They forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors, isn’t there only like 3 bays on those machines? How did they miss the fact that one of them was empty?”
He shrugs his shoulders and we walk into the canteen. I can never figure out how no matter what time I walked into the canteen there was always a line. It was as if the person on the register refused to let anyone leave the line unless there was someone to replace them. As we got to the top of the line I looked over our three choices of main course.
1. Some type of pasta with white sauce and even whiter chicken pieces floating in it. 2. Something in Bread crumbs which I presume is cod. And 3 the vegetarian option which looks like someone has walked outside and put a load of leaves into a bowl and are calling it a salad.
“What ill it be?” asks the greasy and totally disinterested chief (I use that term loosely)
“I’ll have fish and chips. What is that cod?”I ask.
“Pork chops” is his reply, “You want some gravy with that?”
As I try to digest the fact that I have ordered battered pork chops and chips I look as the container filled with brown liquid with a black crust on top of it.
“No I’m good” I say and walk over to pay for my meal. Luckily the food is part paid for by the company so it only costs me €2.50 still I can’t help but feel I would have been happier with the money. I look around for some where to sit and see the guy from line one sit at a table with the guy working in the next station from me (who apparently hasn’t left the canteen since he went for coffee this morning) and a tech from line 3 so I go over to join them. As I sit down I look at the plate in front of the guy working in the next station from me.
“What the hell is that?” I say “did you go for the salad?”
“Ya I wanted to try it for a change. There was two pieces of carrot and the rest is lettuce. How can they call that a salad. Fuck, I’m going to get a bowl of chips.”
“You should get some gravy with that.”I say as he leaves the table.
I look over at the tech from line three who is talking to the guy from line one.
“I can’t believe you don’t remember him he was skeletor's master. I think his name was horlex.”
“Like the drink?” I say.
“Ya do you remember him?” he asks, “His face was half white and half black…”
“And his amour was shaped like a cup.” I say. He stares at me for a minute as if trying to remember if there was really a guy in he-man who looked like a cup. Luckily we were interrupted by my tech sitting at the table.
He turns to me and says, “Why didn’t you wake me I nearly slept through break?”
“I didn’t think it was an emergency.” I say “Anyway you never eat anything.”
“Ya” he says “but I have been looking forward to coffee and a fag.”
“You’ll never get back to sleep.”
“Don’t worry” he says and gets up and heads off to get his coffee.
The guy working in the next station from me sits back down and eats one of his chips. “I don’t think this is gravy.” he says as I cut into my pork chop. I now realize that the only reason to put bread crumbs on a pork chop is so you cannot see what the pork chop looks like.
As I walk out of the canteen at 2.20 the tech from line three walks with me telling me a story about how he once bought a car for €50 and drove it into Limerick drunk. The reason the car was so cheap he told me was that the steering column was not joined and that you had to lift the steering wheel to make the connection and steer. It sounded like bullshit but if there was ever a man who would pay €50 for a car which you cannot steer it was him. As we get to my machine, I sit down and the story ends with him abandoning the car on the nenagh bypass. I see the supervisor for line 3 coming towards us.
“Hey are those boards on trolley beside your machine tested yet? You are holding up the line” he says to the tech.
“Ya they‘re done and they have passed. Just throw them down the line.” says the tech.
As the supervisor walks back towards the line I look at the tech.
“When did you pass them I haven’t seen you at your machine all day?” I say.
“Ah, I didn’t test them. But they are probably fine.” He says looking around.
I worked on line three for a few days and knew that on a good day 50% of those boards would pass. As I watch his supervisor throw the boards down the line and listen to the tech bitch about the fact that I don’t have a seat for him I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
“What are ye doing today?” I ask him.
“Nothing” he says, “they forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors so all the product they made has been rejected. So, break time?”
I look at my watch and see its 12.45, break is at 1 but I thought close enough and start walking towards the canteen.
“They forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors, isn’t there only like 3 bays on those machines? How did they miss the fact that one of them was empty?”
He shrugs his shoulders and we walk into the canteen. I can never figure out how no matter what time I walked into the canteen there was always a line. It was as if the person on the register refused to let anyone leave the line unless there was someone to replace them. As we got to the top of the line I looked over our three choices of main course.
1. Some type of pasta with white sauce and even whiter chicken pieces floating in it. 2. Something in Bread crumbs which I presume is cod. And 3 the vegetarian option which looks like someone has walked outside and put a load of leaves into a bowl and are calling it a salad.
“What ill it be?” asks the greasy and totally disinterested chief (I use that term loosely)
“I’ll have fish and chips. What is that cod?”I ask.
“Pork chops” is his reply, “You want some gravy with that?”
As I try to digest the fact that I have ordered battered pork chops and chips I look as the container filled with brown liquid with a black crust on top of it.
“No I’m good” I say and walk over to pay for my meal. Luckily the food is part paid for by the company so it only costs me €2.50 still I can’t help but feel I would have been happier with the money. I look around for some where to sit and see the guy from line one sit at a table with the guy working in the next station from me (who apparently hasn’t left the canteen since he went for coffee this morning) and a tech from line 3 so I go over to join them. As I sit down I look at the plate in front of the guy working in the next station from me.
“What the hell is that?” I say “did you go for the salad?”
“Ya I wanted to try it for a change. There was two pieces of carrot and the rest is lettuce. How can they call that a salad. Fuck, I’m going to get a bowl of chips.”
“You should get some gravy with that.”I say as he leaves the table.
I look over at the tech from line three who is talking to the guy from line one.
“I can’t believe you don’t remember him he was skeletor's master. I think his name was horlex.”
“Like the drink?” I say.
“Ya do you remember him?” he asks, “His face was half white and half black…”
“And his amour was shaped like a cup.” I say. He stares at me for a minute as if trying to remember if there was really a guy in he-man who looked like a cup. Luckily we were interrupted by my tech sitting at the table.
He turns to me and says, “Why didn’t you wake me I nearly slept through break?”
“I didn’t think it was an emergency.” I say “Anyway you never eat anything.”
“Ya” he says “but I have been looking forward to coffee and a fag.”
“You’ll never get back to sleep.”
“Don’t worry” he says and gets up and heads off to get his coffee.
The guy working in the next station from me sits back down and eats one of his chips. “I don’t think this is gravy.” he says as I cut into my pork chop. I now realize that the only reason to put bread crumbs on a pork chop is so you cannot see what the pork chop looks like.
As I walk out of the canteen at 2.20 the tech from line three walks with me telling me a story about how he once bought a car for €50 and drove it into Limerick drunk. The reason the car was so cheap he told me was that the steering column was not joined and that you had to lift the steering wheel to make the connection and steer. It sounded like bullshit but if there was ever a man who would pay €50 for a car which you cannot steer it was him. As we get to my machine, I sit down and the story ends with him abandoning the car on the nenagh bypass. I see the supervisor for line 3 coming towards us.
“Hey are those boards on trolley beside your machine tested yet? You are holding up the line” he says to the tech.
“Ya they‘re done and they have passed. Just throw them down the line.” says the tech.
As the supervisor walks back towards the line I look at the tech.
“When did you pass them I haven’t seen you at your machine all day?” I say.
“Ah, I didn’t test them. But they are probably fine.” He says looking around.
I worked on line three for a few days and knew that on a good day 50% of those boards would pass. As I watch his supervisor throw the boards down the line and listen to the tech bitch about the fact that I don’t have a seat for him I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
Saturday, June 24, 2006
FRIDAY
“……….. Billy Jean is not my girl”
“Ohhhhhh”
“… who thinks that I am the one. But the…..”
Fuckin radio alarms. As I look at the time I see it says 8.30. Fuck I start work at 8.30, but as my sleep addled mind gets flooded with adrenalin I slowly realize that just like every other day for the last 6 months I have set my clock 20 minutes fast. Sweet 10 more minutes in bed and then 10 minutes to get ready, wash up and take the 15minute drive into work.
25 minutes later walk into work. Tell the security guard I forgot my clock in card, will have to sign in. The last person has written 8.40. Fuckin ass hole, it is going to look pure shit but I put 8.30 beside my name. Shit late, better play it cool keep eyes down, also checking I am wearing pants, smile don’t make noise or eye contact.
Sit at my machine turn on computer, sweet no one has asked me, ‘what time I think it is’ in a humorous but patronizing way. Look around something is not right not enough people on the line. Shit morning meeting …….. no they were cancelled when someone pointed out that they take 20 minutes but no one learns anything. Turn to the tech beside me.
“What’s going on?” I ask him. He looks at me with blood shot eyes, I notice his skin looks yellow.
“Don’t know……. I’m going for a sleep in the jacks, if anything happens wake me. I’ll be in the second cubicle in.”
“Ahhh, ya”. I’m not going to wake him but I figure nothing will happen anyway. Walk up to the next station.
“Where is everyone?”
“The start of the line was put on evenings.”
“Mmmm, were we put on evenings?”
“No……… I’m headin to the canteen for a coffee, You commin?”
“No I’m good” I say still trying to figure out what is going on.
Sit back at my machine and stare at the computer. It’s linked to my machine, no internet, no games….. Shit.
The supervisor walks up to me, this is never good.
“According to the clock in machine you were late twice this week. The production manager was on to me about it.”
Wrong I think I have been late 5 times this week but only used a clock in machine twice. I also thought the clock in card was only used to tell who is in the building in case of fire and not as a way of watching people but I can’t remember if that’s true or some thing I made up.
“Sorry won’t happen again.”
“Ok” he says “You better get back to work.”
What work I think but walk back to my machine. I decide I had better change things I don’t want the ‘According to the clock in machine’ talk again. From now on I’ll sign in every day.
As I sit at my machine and stare at the green screen I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
“Ohhhhhh”
“… who thinks that I am the one. But the…..”
Fuckin radio alarms. As I look at the time I see it says 8.30. Fuck I start work at 8.30, but as my sleep addled mind gets flooded with adrenalin I slowly realize that just like every other day for the last 6 months I have set my clock 20 minutes fast. Sweet 10 more minutes in bed and then 10 minutes to get ready, wash up and take the 15minute drive into work.
25 minutes later walk into work. Tell the security guard I forgot my clock in card, will have to sign in. The last person has written 8.40. Fuckin ass hole, it is going to look pure shit but I put 8.30 beside my name. Shit late, better play it cool keep eyes down, also checking I am wearing pants, smile don’t make noise or eye contact.
Sit at my machine turn on computer, sweet no one has asked me, ‘what time I think it is’ in a humorous but patronizing way. Look around something is not right not enough people on the line. Shit morning meeting …….. no they were cancelled when someone pointed out that they take 20 minutes but no one learns anything. Turn to the tech beside me.
“What’s going on?” I ask him. He looks at me with blood shot eyes, I notice his skin looks yellow.
“Don’t know……. I’m going for a sleep in the jacks, if anything happens wake me. I’ll be in the second cubicle in.”
“Ahhh, ya”. I’m not going to wake him but I figure nothing will happen anyway. Walk up to the next station.
“Where is everyone?”
“The start of the line was put on evenings.”
“Mmmm, were we put on evenings?”
“No……… I’m headin to the canteen for a coffee, You commin?”
“No I’m good” I say still trying to figure out what is going on.
Sit back at my machine and stare at the computer. It’s linked to my machine, no internet, no games….. Shit.
The supervisor walks up to me, this is never good.
“According to the clock in machine you were late twice this week. The production manager was on to me about it.”
Wrong I think I have been late 5 times this week but only used a clock in machine twice. I also thought the clock in card was only used to tell who is in the building in case of fire and not as a way of watching people but I can’t remember if that’s true or some thing I made up.
“Sorry won’t happen again.”
“Ok” he says “You better get back to work.”
What work I think but walk back to my machine. I decide I had better change things I don’t want the ‘According to the clock in machine’ talk again. From now on I’ll sign in every day.
As I sit at my machine and stare at the green screen I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
Friday, June 09, 2006
He's Invisbly Touching Himself too
So what's this post about then? I'll tell you what it's about. It's about what I want to be when I grow up. When I'm thirty I want to be Richard Sandrak when he was twelve. Noble.
Unfortunately no cutoffs!
Unfortunately no cutoffs!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Pink Streets
He was the rookie cop, small town kid in the big city, having to learn about life on the streets the hard way.Billy had his hands full.
But he had a partner.
Presenting Richard Sandrak in his movie debut, as Detective McMurphy, a cop who's seen it all,grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and came back to put the bad guys away,three failed marriages, six kids,four dogs,drink problem, smokes three packs a day, one day from retirement.
Together, there gonna fight crime the eighties way, in cut offs, oversized sunglasses, cod pieces and pink lamborghini's.They're gonna kick ass and chew bubble gum the american way, while finding out things about each others body's they never thought possible.
This summer if you don't see a trailer for Pink Streets, you better hope you're visually impaired.
But he had a partner.
Presenting Richard Sandrak in his movie debut, as Detective McMurphy, a cop who's seen it all,grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and came back to put the bad guys away,three failed marriages, six kids,four dogs,drink problem, smokes three packs a day, one day from retirement.
Together, there gonna fight crime the eighties way, in cut offs, oversized sunglasses, cod pieces and pink lamborghini's.They're gonna kick ass and chew bubble gum the american way, while finding out things about each others body's they never thought possible.
This summer if you don't see a trailer for Pink Streets, you better hope you're visually impaired.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Bollocks Trauma
The following were the results of exam related trauma to the frontal lobe area of the brain of a 24 year old male:
1. The fatal stabbing with a blunt fork of a fellow student in a canteen queue.The motive= standing too close behind the test subject, cunt.
2.The strangulation of a cleaning lady using the elastic from a pair of boxer shorts.The motive= making too much fucking noise, talking bollocks to your stupid cleaning colleagues, interrupting the test subjects futile attempts to read a sentence of bollocks.
3.The beating to death of a mangirl with a blunt keyboard.Motive= Stop spazing out on the keyboard you fat bitch, interrupting the test subjects ability to think of bollocks to put in this list. Ah fuck it.
1. The fatal stabbing with a blunt fork of a fellow student in a canteen queue.The motive= standing too close behind the test subject, cunt.
2.The strangulation of a cleaning lady using the elastic from a pair of boxer shorts.The motive= making too much fucking noise, talking bollocks to your stupid cleaning colleagues, interrupting the test subjects futile attempts to read a sentence of bollocks.
3.The beating to death of a mangirl with a blunt keyboard.Motive= Stop spazing out on the keyboard you fat bitch, interrupting the test subjects ability to think of bollocks to put in this list. Ah fuck it.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Local Gunman Returns
Yes, Bob! What i said was my uterus was cleansed....... CLEANSED Bob! Cleansed by Jesus himself.
In other news, infamous local gunman Dan Meethan is set to return to Ireland on Friday, to face charges of illegally impersonating a bearded woman.
Irish Authorities have filed an extradition request for the male nurse believed to be living in Minnasoda, who is accused of frightening a child while dressed as a bearded lady, earlier this year at a pitch and putt event in Murroe, Co.Tipperary.
Flight records show he travelled to America on 28th March last , soon after Murroe police sought to question him.It is understood that within days of arriving in Minnasoda he unsuccessfully attempted to expose himself to a a full scale model of a T-Rex dinosaur from the late Triassic period.
Unable to secure work in the city of Minnesoda, it is believed the accused lived for a time in several city parks, moving from one to the other when the heat from local mothers got too heavy.
The accused was taken into the custody of the Minnasoda State Police on friday last when a number of sightings in the lakes district of a peson illegally impersonating a bearded walrus, were reported to police.
Upon being taken into custody the accused was heard to say "I ain't got nothin to say to nobody but Kojack".
This brings to the number five, children who were frightened at pitch and putt events already this year.A startling increase of 2% on the number recorded for the first quarter of last year.
In other news, infamous local gunman Dan Meethan is set to return to Ireland on Friday, to face charges of illegally impersonating a bearded woman.
Irish Authorities have filed an extradition request for the male nurse believed to be living in Minnasoda, who is accused of frightening a child while dressed as a bearded lady, earlier this year at a pitch and putt event in Murroe, Co.Tipperary.
Flight records show he travelled to America on 28th March last , soon after Murroe police sought to question him.It is understood that within days of arriving in Minnasoda he unsuccessfully attempted to expose himself to a a full scale model of a T-Rex dinosaur from the late Triassic period.
Unable to secure work in the city of Minnesoda, it is believed the accused lived for a time in several city parks, moving from one to the other when the heat from local mothers got too heavy.
The accused was taken into the custody of the Minnasoda State Police on friday last when a number of sightings in the lakes district of a peson illegally impersonating a bearded walrus, were reported to police.
Upon being taken into custody the accused was heard to say "I ain't got nothin to say to nobody but Kojack".
This brings to the number five, children who were frightened at pitch and putt events already this year.A startling increase of 2% on the number recorded for the first quarter of last year.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
"Dan Plus Laos Equals: D-Laos"
A happy go lucky medical goods factory somewhere in the mid-west. The cast of regulars includes, Loosey Lui, Burn Face Michelle Yeoh, The Red Hand, Hong Kong Rita, Blowfish Biglips, Meloveyoulongtime and Rick Rickshaw.
Dan speaks with favourite local and mega legend, The Mighty Shoe. We join them mid-conversation.
The Mighty Shoe (Speaking with Asian twanged accent.)
"So out of your group, who do you think is nicest?"
Dan (Confused by the question.)
"Uh... I don't know."
The Mighty Shoe (Laughing.)
"I thought, that you were going to say, that you were the nicest."
Dan
"Nah, I'm too modest."
The Mighty Shoe
"...You are the oddest?"
Dan
"Modest?"
The Mighty Shoe
"...Oddest?"
Dan
"Mod-est"
The Mighty Shoe
"Odd-est."
Dan
"Actually, I'm am the nicest."
The Mighty Shoe
"Oh, okay."
All sorts of awkward silences fall on the pair.
The Mighty Shoe
"So, what did you guys do at the weekend?"
Dan
"Took a drive out to the zoo. It was great. We saw a rare ape."
The Mighty Shoe (Genuinely shocked.)
"Oh my God, that is terrible.
Dan
...?
The Mighty Shoe
"Did you call the police?"
Dan
"Uh...no, we just watched for a while and I took some pictures."
The Might Shoe
..?!
Dan
"Uh...I don't know what I just did there but I want you to know The Mighty Shoe, that I think you're great."
Hong Kong Rita
"I think you great too Dan; great on my nerves."
Dan (Throwing it down.)
"You want some of this shit Rita?."
End scene.
Dan speaks with favourite local and mega legend, The Mighty Shoe. We join them mid-conversation.
The Mighty Shoe (Speaking with Asian twanged accent.)
"So out of your group, who do you think is nicest?"
Dan (Confused by the question.)
"Uh... I don't know."
The Mighty Shoe (Laughing.)
"I thought, that you were going to say, that you were the nicest."
Dan
"Nah, I'm too modest."
The Mighty Shoe
"...You are the oddest?"
Dan
"Modest?"
The Mighty Shoe
"...Oddest?"
Dan
"Mod-est"
The Mighty Shoe
"Odd-est."
Dan
"Actually, I'm am the nicest."
The Mighty Shoe
"Oh, okay."
All sorts of awkward silences fall on the pair.
The Mighty Shoe
"So, what did you guys do at the weekend?"
Dan
"Took a drive out to the zoo. It was great. We saw a rare ape."
The Mighty Shoe (Genuinely shocked.)
"Oh my God, that is terrible.
Dan
...?
The Mighty Shoe
"Did you call the police?"
Dan
"Uh...no, we just watched for a while and I took some pictures."
The Might Shoe
..?!
Dan
"Uh...I don't know what I just did there but I want you to know The Mighty Shoe, that I think you're great."
Hong Kong Rita
"I think you great too Dan; great on my nerves."
Dan (Throwing it down.)
"You want some of this shit Rita?."
End scene.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
"A Danner Darkly"
Doctor
“Damage has taken place to the left dominant hemisphere and the right hemisphere is attempting to compensate.”
Dan
“You mean, the two halves of my brain are…competing?”
Doctor.
“That would depend.”
Dan
“On what?”
Doctor.
“Whether or not you consider the Special Olympics a competition.”
Dan
“Guh?”
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