Worker 1: “What is this error message you get when you open word?”
Worker 2: “I don’t get it.”
Worker 1: “Ya, I don’t get it either.”
??????????????????????
Friday, September 01, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
We want more pussy!
I presume this is the pussy you are talking about? God fearing guy like yourself (I heard you went to mass last Sunday).
He is coming for you Frankie. Let’s see your God save you now.
He is coming for you Frankie. Let’s see your God save you now.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
FRIDAY IV. Death of Friday
As my head finally began to clear and the adrenalin pumps through me my body jerked up wards. Sergeant BaBa had been seconds away from destroying the world and I had been knocked unconscious. As my vision returned I began to see that the room was different. It was covered in a white, chunk filled liquid. My fateful dog Dermot sat near me and I finally spotted Sergeant Baba desperately trying to paddle out of the deep end of a pool of vomit.
“Looks like we did it again boy. The world is saved from another evil baby. What do you say we head home and I get some food into you?”
Dermot obediently roles onto the pallet truck and we head for home. I know that even as we walk home another evil baby could be born but I feet confident that with Dermots at my side the world would be safe.
After all imagine how much he can vomit!
“Looks like we did it again boy. The world is saved from another evil baby. What do you say we head home and I get some food into you?”
Dermot obediently roles onto the pallet truck and we head for home. I know that even as we walk home another evil baby could be born but I feet confident that with Dermots at my side the world would be safe.
After all imagine how much he can vomit!
Friday, June 30, 2006
FRIDAY III. Son of Friday
As I look around the factory I see white walls, white machines, white floor, white ceiling…… except for one spot directly above my station which is blue. Why the fuck is there a blue spot in a factory painted white? I look around the rest of the ceiling its all white except for the spot directly above me. What type of sick bastard puts a blue spot on the ceiling? The ceiling must be at least 20 Meters high they would have had to been on a ladder to paint it. Did they run out of paint and blue was the original color of the ceiling? Damn that would be cheap.
“Supervisor is coming.” says my tech who has just returned from the toilet.
“Did you have a good sleep?” I ask.
“Ya. If you sit on the toilet and face the wall you can rest your head on the cistern.”
He has a red line down one side of his face but I decide not tell him. The supervisor walks over to us.
“Ok you can stop working,” he says. I cannot tell if he is joking or not as it is pretty obvious that I haven’t been doing anything like work.
“There is a head corporate person here and he is giving a speech on the quarterly results and our plans for next Quarter.”
This wasn’t too bad as I laught when I thought back to last quarters meeting where we were told us we were the second best plant in Europe. I strolled over to line one to see if they were coming in to the meeting. The guy who works on line one was looking around guiltily.
“What have you done?” I ask.
“I left a circuit board in the machine when I went on break.”
“I thought you didn’t have any boards coming down your line?”
“Ya there weren’t but I was bored and took one from the repair station it didn’t have any capacitors on it but I wanted to see what would happen if I tested it.”
“And what happened?”
“It passed. But it turns out that if you leave a board in the machine for over an hour it turns brown.”
“So what did you do with it?”
“I put it in the bottom of that filling cabinet. There were already two boards in there so I put it on top of them.”
“Fuck sake, let’s just go into this meeting.” I say and we walk into the canteen where the meeting was on. It is already pretty crowded but we get some seats at the back. I get a look at the corporate guy, he is the typical American upper management type. Good suite and smiling at everyone as if he’s about to give them money. As he stands up to start the meeting 2 engineers and the tech from line 3 walked in. One of the engineers walks over and sits beside me.
“What kept you?” I ask.
“Just got this e-mail,” he says trying not to laugh, “it has what look like 14 women on it, but 7 of them are men. So far the tech from line 3 has done the worst he thought 6 of the men were women. If he is that bad when he’s sober imagine what he is like when he’s drunk.”
Trying to get the image of an inebriated tech from line 3 harassing some poor innocent transvestites, out of my head I turn my attention back to the meeting which has already started. The corporate guy had just finished telling everyone that we are once again the second best performing company in Europe. Then his smile falters a little and he starts talking about how the global economy has taken a down turn and how the cheaper labor in Eastern Europe and Asia means business is slow and we are going to have to tighten our belts. This means changing shift patterns without notice to make sure we meet the customers needs and that we need to find new business to break into. It’s at this point that I start thinking about the fact that we have a new line in the plant but that we only build the first half of the product. It is then packed up and sent to our sister company to be finished. Despite the fact that we have the manpower and the equipment to finish the product and our sister is further away from the end customer then we are. So I decide to ask a question.
“If we need new business why are we sending our new product to be finished in our sister plant shouldn’t we finish it here?”
He looks at me for a moment, his smile forgotten as if shocked that someone would question him. Or perhaps I should have put my hand up before shouting at him.
“Well we are not actually making any money on that product so we thought it best to split the costs between two factories.”
He turns to go back to his slide to continue but I decide not to let him off that easily.
“Why are we building something that we are not making any money on?”
He looks at me again still no smile and a couple of the managers behind him murmur something to one another. Maybe you are not supposed to shout things out in the middle of a meeting but I think, fuck it.
“This is a big customer and once we do this business with them they will consider us for more contracts which will have better margins on them.” He says and tries to put back on his smile but this time it’s a little more stretched.
He continues to explain why we are in trouble and then comes to the plan to recover profit for this quarter. This basically consists of everyone in our plant and our sister plant taking a 20% pay cut for this quarter. Once more I decide not to waste everyone’s time by raising my hand.
“Is there any guarantee that this is the only time our wages will be cut?” I shout.
Again there is a pause and stares from the front of the room. The corporate guy looks like he is sweating a little.
“Well of course we cannot guarantee anything but with new business like the new product, (the one he has just told me we are making no money on) we are confident of being back on track next quarter.”
He finishes the meeting with the usual keep up the good work crap and walks out of the room. I walk up to my supervisor and ask him for a pen and some paper. He tares off a corner from his note book and hands it to me, I write ‘I quit signed Kelly’ and hand it back to him. He looks at it for a moment and says.
“Why are you quitting?” I still cannot tell if he is joking or not but decide to tell him the truth.
“I would give two weeks notice but I don’t think this place will be here in two weeks.” I turn and walk out of the room.
As I walked out of the building I looked to my left to see a dog projectile vomit on a baby and think why the fuck did I get up this morning.
I would like to take this opportunity to say that when I decided to write a story on Friday I had been drinking. The only plan I had was after seeing a film where a dog projectile vomited on shoes I thought it would be funny to write a story which ends with a dog projectile vomiting on a baby. Seeing as the story is actually true, it was written on and about a Friday and I had seen the film about the dog the only thing I made up was the word baby. Showing once and for all that I have no creativity.
Still my first Idea was a story about a super hero dog whose only ability was to projectile vomited on babies. Luckily his arch enemy was a baby, (Maybe you know him) sergeant BA BA. I figure I could have gotten 10 posts out of that and I was going to have, ‘my dog just projectile vomited on you baby, cunt’ as the tag line. However due to the distinct possibility of legal action from Ragecorp I decided to write Friday instead.
“Supervisor is coming.” says my tech who has just returned from the toilet.
“Did you have a good sleep?” I ask.
“Ya. If you sit on the toilet and face the wall you can rest your head on the cistern.”
He has a red line down one side of his face but I decide not tell him. The supervisor walks over to us.
“Ok you can stop working,” he says. I cannot tell if he is joking or not as it is pretty obvious that I haven’t been doing anything like work.
“There is a head corporate person here and he is giving a speech on the quarterly results and our plans for next Quarter.”
This wasn’t too bad as I laught when I thought back to last quarters meeting where we were told us we were the second best plant in Europe. I strolled over to line one to see if they were coming in to the meeting. The guy who works on line one was looking around guiltily.
“What have you done?” I ask.
“I left a circuit board in the machine when I went on break.”
“I thought you didn’t have any boards coming down your line?”
“Ya there weren’t but I was bored and took one from the repair station it didn’t have any capacitors on it but I wanted to see what would happen if I tested it.”
“And what happened?”
“It passed. But it turns out that if you leave a board in the machine for over an hour it turns brown.”
“So what did you do with it?”
“I put it in the bottom of that filling cabinet. There were already two boards in there so I put it on top of them.”
“Fuck sake, let’s just go into this meeting.” I say and we walk into the canteen where the meeting was on. It is already pretty crowded but we get some seats at the back. I get a look at the corporate guy, he is the typical American upper management type. Good suite and smiling at everyone as if he’s about to give them money. As he stands up to start the meeting 2 engineers and the tech from line 3 walked in. One of the engineers walks over and sits beside me.
“What kept you?” I ask.
“Just got this e-mail,” he says trying not to laugh, “it has what look like 14 women on it, but 7 of them are men. So far the tech from line 3 has done the worst he thought 6 of the men were women. If he is that bad when he’s sober imagine what he is like when he’s drunk.”
Trying to get the image of an inebriated tech from line 3 harassing some poor innocent transvestites, out of my head I turn my attention back to the meeting which has already started. The corporate guy had just finished telling everyone that we are once again the second best performing company in Europe. Then his smile falters a little and he starts talking about how the global economy has taken a down turn and how the cheaper labor in Eastern Europe and Asia means business is slow and we are going to have to tighten our belts. This means changing shift patterns without notice to make sure we meet the customers needs and that we need to find new business to break into. It’s at this point that I start thinking about the fact that we have a new line in the plant but that we only build the first half of the product. It is then packed up and sent to our sister company to be finished. Despite the fact that we have the manpower and the equipment to finish the product and our sister is further away from the end customer then we are. So I decide to ask a question.
“If we need new business why are we sending our new product to be finished in our sister plant shouldn’t we finish it here?”
He looks at me for a moment, his smile forgotten as if shocked that someone would question him. Or perhaps I should have put my hand up before shouting at him.
“Well we are not actually making any money on that product so we thought it best to split the costs between two factories.”
He turns to go back to his slide to continue but I decide not to let him off that easily.
“Why are we building something that we are not making any money on?”
He looks at me again still no smile and a couple of the managers behind him murmur something to one another. Maybe you are not supposed to shout things out in the middle of a meeting but I think, fuck it.
“This is a big customer and once we do this business with them they will consider us for more contracts which will have better margins on them.” He says and tries to put back on his smile but this time it’s a little more stretched.
He continues to explain why we are in trouble and then comes to the plan to recover profit for this quarter. This basically consists of everyone in our plant and our sister plant taking a 20% pay cut for this quarter. Once more I decide not to waste everyone’s time by raising my hand.
“Is there any guarantee that this is the only time our wages will be cut?” I shout.
Again there is a pause and stares from the front of the room. The corporate guy looks like he is sweating a little.
“Well of course we cannot guarantee anything but with new business like the new product, (the one he has just told me we are making no money on) we are confident of being back on track next quarter.”
He finishes the meeting with the usual keep up the good work crap and walks out of the room. I walk up to my supervisor and ask him for a pen and some paper. He tares off a corner from his note book and hands it to me, I write ‘I quit signed Kelly’ and hand it back to him. He looks at it for a moment and says.
“Why are you quitting?” I still cannot tell if he is joking or not but decide to tell him the truth.
“I would give two weeks notice but I don’t think this place will be here in two weeks.” I turn and walk out of the room.
As I walked out of the building I looked to my left to see a dog projectile vomit on a baby and think why the fuck did I get up this morning.
I would like to take this opportunity to say that when I decided to write a story on Friday I had been drinking. The only plan I had was after seeing a film where a dog projectile vomited on shoes I thought it would be funny to write a story which ends with a dog projectile vomiting on a baby. Seeing as the story is actually true, it was written on and about a Friday and I had seen the film about the dog the only thing I made up was the word baby. Showing once and for all that I have no creativity.
Still my first Idea was a story about a super hero dog whose only ability was to projectile vomited on babies. Luckily his arch enemy was a baby, (Maybe you know him) sergeant BA BA. I figure I could have gotten 10 posts out of that and I was going to have, ‘my dog just projectile vomited on you baby, cunt’ as the tag line. However due to the distinct possibility of legal action from Ragecorp I decided to write Friday instead.
Monday, June 26, 2006
FRIDAY II. Friday's back and this time it’s personal
“Break time. Comon lets go.” The guy on line 1 seems overly happy.
“What are ye doing today?” I ask him.
“Nothing” he says, “they forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors so all the product they made has been rejected. So, break time?”
I look at my watch and see its 12.45, break is at 1 but I thought close enough and start walking towards the canteen.
“They forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors, isn’t there only like 3 bays on those machines? How did they miss the fact that one of them was empty?”
He shrugs his shoulders and we walk into the canteen. I can never figure out how no matter what time I walked into the canteen there was always a line. It was as if the person on the register refused to let anyone leave the line unless there was someone to replace them. As we got to the top of the line I looked over our three choices of main course.
1. Some type of pasta with white sauce and even whiter chicken pieces floating in it. 2. Something in Bread crumbs which I presume is cod. And 3 the vegetarian option which looks like someone has walked outside and put a load of leaves into a bowl and are calling it a salad.
“What ill it be?” asks the greasy and totally disinterested chief (I use that term loosely)
“I’ll have fish and chips. What is that cod?”I ask.
“Pork chops” is his reply, “You want some gravy with that?”
As I try to digest the fact that I have ordered battered pork chops and chips I look as the container filled with brown liquid with a black crust on top of it.
“No I’m good” I say and walk over to pay for my meal. Luckily the food is part paid for by the company so it only costs me €2.50 still I can’t help but feel I would have been happier with the money. I look around for some where to sit and see the guy from line one sit at a table with the guy working in the next station from me (who apparently hasn’t left the canteen since he went for coffee this morning) and a tech from line 3 so I go over to join them. As I sit down I look at the plate in front of the guy working in the next station from me.
“What the hell is that?” I say “did you go for the salad?”
“Ya I wanted to try it for a change. There was two pieces of carrot and the rest is lettuce. How can they call that a salad. Fuck, I’m going to get a bowl of chips.”
“You should get some gravy with that.”I say as he leaves the table.
I look over at the tech from line three who is talking to the guy from line one.
“I can’t believe you don’t remember him he was skeletor's master. I think his name was horlex.”
“Like the drink?” I say.
“Ya do you remember him?” he asks, “His face was half white and half black…”
“And his amour was shaped like a cup.” I say. He stares at me for a minute as if trying to remember if there was really a guy in he-man who looked like a cup. Luckily we were interrupted by my tech sitting at the table.
He turns to me and says, “Why didn’t you wake me I nearly slept through break?”
“I didn’t think it was an emergency.” I say “Anyway you never eat anything.”
“Ya” he says “but I have been looking forward to coffee and a fag.”
“You’ll never get back to sleep.”
“Don’t worry” he says and gets up and heads off to get his coffee.
The guy working in the next station from me sits back down and eats one of his chips. “I don’t think this is gravy.” he says as I cut into my pork chop. I now realize that the only reason to put bread crumbs on a pork chop is so you cannot see what the pork chop looks like.
As I walk out of the canteen at 2.20 the tech from line three walks with me telling me a story about how he once bought a car for €50 and drove it into Limerick drunk. The reason the car was so cheap he told me was that the steering column was not joined and that you had to lift the steering wheel to make the connection and steer. It sounded like bullshit but if there was ever a man who would pay €50 for a car which you cannot steer it was him. As we get to my machine, I sit down and the story ends with him abandoning the car on the nenagh bypass. I see the supervisor for line 3 coming towards us.
“Hey are those boards on trolley beside your machine tested yet? You are holding up the line” he says to the tech.
“Ya they‘re done and they have passed. Just throw them down the line.” says the tech.
As the supervisor walks back towards the line I look at the tech.
“When did you pass them I haven’t seen you at your machine all day?” I say.
“Ah, I didn’t test them. But they are probably fine.” He says looking around.
I worked on line three for a few days and knew that on a good day 50% of those boards would pass. As I watch his supervisor throw the boards down the line and listen to the tech bitch about the fact that I don’t have a seat for him I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
“What are ye doing today?” I ask him.
“Nothing” he says, “they forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors so all the product they made has been rejected. So, break time?”
I look at my watch and see its 12.45, break is at 1 but I thought close enough and start walking towards the canteen.
“They forgot to load one of the bays with Capacitors, isn’t there only like 3 bays on those machines? How did they miss the fact that one of them was empty?”
He shrugs his shoulders and we walk into the canteen. I can never figure out how no matter what time I walked into the canteen there was always a line. It was as if the person on the register refused to let anyone leave the line unless there was someone to replace them. As we got to the top of the line I looked over our three choices of main course.
1. Some type of pasta with white sauce and even whiter chicken pieces floating in it. 2. Something in Bread crumbs which I presume is cod. And 3 the vegetarian option which looks like someone has walked outside and put a load of leaves into a bowl and are calling it a salad.
“What ill it be?” asks the greasy and totally disinterested chief (I use that term loosely)
“I’ll have fish and chips. What is that cod?”I ask.
“Pork chops” is his reply, “You want some gravy with that?”
As I try to digest the fact that I have ordered battered pork chops and chips I look as the container filled with brown liquid with a black crust on top of it.
“No I’m good” I say and walk over to pay for my meal. Luckily the food is part paid for by the company so it only costs me €2.50 still I can’t help but feel I would have been happier with the money. I look around for some where to sit and see the guy from line one sit at a table with the guy working in the next station from me (who apparently hasn’t left the canteen since he went for coffee this morning) and a tech from line 3 so I go over to join them. As I sit down I look at the plate in front of the guy working in the next station from me.
“What the hell is that?” I say “did you go for the salad?”
“Ya I wanted to try it for a change. There was two pieces of carrot and the rest is lettuce. How can they call that a salad. Fuck, I’m going to get a bowl of chips.”
“You should get some gravy with that.”I say as he leaves the table.
I look over at the tech from line three who is talking to the guy from line one.
“I can’t believe you don’t remember him he was skeletor's master. I think his name was horlex.”
“Like the drink?” I say.
“Ya do you remember him?” he asks, “His face was half white and half black…”
“And his amour was shaped like a cup.” I say. He stares at me for a minute as if trying to remember if there was really a guy in he-man who looked like a cup. Luckily we were interrupted by my tech sitting at the table.
He turns to me and says, “Why didn’t you wake me I nearly slept through break?”
“I didn’t think it was an emergency.” I say “Anyway you never eat anything.”
“Ya” he says “but I have been looking forward to coffee and a fag.”
“You’ll never get back to sleep.”
“Don’t worry” he says and gets up and heads off to get his coffee.
The guy working in the next station from me sits back down and eats one of his chips. “I don’t think this is gravy.” he says as I cut into my pork chop. I now realize that the only reason to put bread crumbs on a pork chop is so you cannot see what the pork chop looks like.
As I walk out of the canteen at 2.20 the tech from line three walks with me telling me a story about how he once bought a car for €50 and drove it into Limerick drunk. The reason the car was so cheap he told me was that the steering column was not joined and that you had to lift the steering wheel to make the connection and steer. It sounded like bullshit but if there was ever a man who would pay €50 for a car which you cannot steer it was him. As we get to my machine, I sit down and the story ends with him abandoning the car on the nenagh bypass. I see the supervisor for line 3 coming towards us.
“Hey are those boards on trolley beside your machine tested yet? You are holding up the line” he says to the tech.
“Ya they‘re done and they have passed. Just throw them down the line.” says the tech.
As the supervisor walks back towards the line I look at the tech.
“When did you pass them I haven’t seen you at your machine all day?” I say.
“Ah, I didn’t test them. But they are probably fine.” He says looking around.
I worked on line three for a few days and knew that on a good day 50% of those boards would pass. As I watch his supervisor throw the boards down the line and listen to the tech bitch about the fact that I don’t have a seat for him I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
Saturday, June 24, 2006
FRIDAY
“……….. Billy Jean is not my girl”
“Ohhhhhh”
“… who thinks that I am the one. But the…..”
Fuckin radio alarms. As I look at the time I see it says 8.30. Fuck I start work at 8.30, but as my sleep addled mind gets flooded with adrenalin I slowly realize that just like every other day for the last 6 months I have set my clock 20 minutes fast. Sweet 10 more minutes in bed and then 10 minutes to get ready, wash up and take the 15minute drive into work.
25 minutes later walk into work. Tell the security guard I forgot my clock in card, will have to sign in. The last person has written 8.40. Fuckin ass hole, it is going to look pure shit but I put 8.30 beside my name. Shit late, better play it cool keep eyes down, also checking I am wearing pants, smile don’t make noise or eye contact.
Sit at my machine turn on computer, sweet no one has asked me, ‘what time I think it is’ in a humorous but patronizing way. Look around something is not right not enough people on the line. Shit morning meeting …….. no they were cancelled when someone pointed out that they take 20 minutes but no one learns anything. Turn to the tech beside me.
“What’s going on?” I ask him. He looks at me with blood shot eyes, I notice his skin looks yellow.
“Don’t know……. I’m going for a sleep in the jacks, if anything happens wake me. I’ll be in the second cubicle in.”
“Ahhh, ya”. I’m not going to wake him but I figure nothing will happen anyway. Walk up to the next station.
“Where is everyone?”
“The start of the line was put on evenings.”
“Mmmm, were we put on evenings?”
“No……… I’m headin to the canteen for a coffee, You commin?”
“No I’m good” I say still trying to figure out what is going on.
Sit back at my machine and stare at the computer. It’s linked to my machine, no internet, no games….. Shit.
The supervisor walks up to me, this is never good.
“According to the clock in machine you were late twice this week. The production manager was on to me about it.”
Wrong I think I have been late 5 times this week but only used a clock in machine twice. I also thought the clock in card was only used to tell who is in the building in case of fire and not as a way of watching people but I can’t remember if that’s true or some thing I made up.
“Sorry won’t happen again.”
“Ok” he says “You better get back to work.”
What work I think but walk back to my machine. I decide I had better change things I don’t want the ‘According to the clock in machine’ talk again. From now on I’ll sign in every day.
As I sit at my machine and stare at the green screen I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
“Ohhhhhh”
“… who thinks that I am the one. But the…..”
Fuckin radio alarms. As I look at the time I see it says 8.30. Fuck I start work at 8.30, but as my sleep addled mind gets flooded with adrenalin I slowly realize that just like every other day for the last 6 months I have set my clock 20 minutes fast. Sweet 10 more minutes in bed and then 10 minutes to get ready, wash up and take the 15minute drive into work.
25 minutes later walk into work. Tell the security guard I forgot my clock in card, will have to sign in. The last person has written 8.40. Fuckin ass hole, it is going to look pure shit but I put 8.30 beside my name. Shit late, better play it cool keep eyes down, also checking I am wearing pants, smile don’t make noise or eye contact.
Sit at my machine turn on computer, sweet no one has asked me, ‘what time I think it is’ in a humorous but patronizing way. Look around something is not right not enough people on the line. Shit morning meeting …….. no they were cancelled when someone pointed out that they take 20 minutes but no one learns anything. Turn to the tech beside me.
“What’s going on?” I ask him. He looks at me with blood shot eyes, I notice his skin looks yellow.
“Don’t know……. I’m going for a sleep in the jacks, if anything happens wake me. I’ll be in the second cubicle in.”
“Ahhh, ya”. I’m not going to wake him but I figure nothing will happen anyway. Walk up to the next station.
“Where is everyone?”
“The start of the line was put on evenings.”
“Mmmm, were we put on evenings?”
“No……… I’m headin to the canteen for a coffee, You commin?”
“No I’m good” I say still trying to figure out what is going on.
Sit back at my machine and stare at the computer. It’s linked to my machine, no internet, no games….. Shit.
The supervisor walks up to me, this is never good.
“According to the clock in machine you were late twice this week. The production manager was on to me about it.”
Wrong I think I have been late 5 times this week but only used a clock in machine twice. I also thought the clock in card was only used to tell who is in the building in case of fire and not as a way of watching people but I can’t remember if that’s true or some thing I made up.
“Sorry won’t happen again.”
“Ok” he says “You better get back to work.”
What work I think but walk back to my machine. I decide I had better change things I don’t want the ‘According to the clock in machine’ talk again. From now on I’ll sign in every day.
As I sit at my machine and stare at the green screen I think ‘God this is shit, but thank fuck its Friday.’
Friday, June 09, 2006
He's Invisbly Touching Himself too
So what's this post about then? I'll tell you what it's about. It's about what I want to be when I grow up. When I'm thirty I want to be Richard Sandrak when he was twelve. Noble.
Unfortunately no cutoffs!
Unfortunately no cutoffs!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Pink Streets
He was the rookie cop, small town kid in the big city, having to learn about life on the streets the hard way.Billy had his hands full.
But he had a partner.
Presenting Richard Sandrak in his movie debut, as Detective McMurphy, a cop who's seen it all,grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and came back to put the bad guys away,three failed marriages, six kids,four dogs,drink problem, smokes three packs a day, one day from retirement.
Together, there gonna fight crime the eighties way, in cut offs, oversized sunglasses, cod pieces and pink lamborghini's.They're gonna kick ass and chew bubble gum the american way, while finding out things about each others body's they never thought possible.
This summer if you don't see a trailer for Pink Streets, you better hope you're visually impaired.
But he had a partner.
Presenting Richard Sandrak in his movie debut, as Detective McMurphy, a cop who's seen it all,grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and came back to put the bad guys away,three failed marriages, six kids,four dogs,drink problem, smokes three packs a day, one day from retirement.
Together, there gonna fight crime the eighties way, in cut offs, oversized sunglasses, cod pieces and pink lamborghini's.They're gonna kick ass and chew bubble gum the american way, while finding out things about each others body's they never thought possible.
This summer if you don't see a trailer for Pink Streets, you better hope you're visually impaired.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Bollocks Trauma
The following were the results of exam related trauma to the frontal lobe area of the brain of a 24 year old male:
1. The fatal stabbing with a blunt fork of a fellow student in a canteen queue.The motive= standing too close behind the test subject, cunt.
2.The strangulation of a cleaning lady using the elastic from a pair of boxer shorts.The motive= making too much fucking noise, talking bollocks to your stupid cleaning colleagues, interrupting the test subjects futile attempts to read a sentence of bollocks.
3.The beating to death of a mangirl with a blunt keyboard.Motive= Stop spazing out on the keyboard you fat bitch, interrupting the test subjects ability to think of bollocks to put in this list. Ah fuck it.
1. The fatal stabbing with a blunt fork of a fellow student in a canteen queue.The motive= standing too close behind the test subject, cunt.
2.The strangulation of a cleaning lady using the elastic from a pair of boxer shorts.The motive= making too much fucking noise, talking bollocks to your stupid cleaning colleagues, interrupting the test subjects futile attempts to read a sentence of bollocks.
3.The beating to death of a mangirl with a blunt keyboard.Motive= Stop spazing out on the keyboard you fat bitch, interrupting the test subjects ability to think of bollocks to put in this list. Ah fuck it.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Local Gunman Returns
Yes, Bob! What i said was my uterus was cleansed....... CLEANSED Bob! Cleansed by Jesus himself.
In other news, infamous local gunman Dan Meethan is set to return to Ireland on Friday, to face charges of illegally impersonating a bearded woman.
Irish Authorities have filed an extradition request for the male nurse believed to be living in Minnasoda, who is accused of frightening a child while dressed as a bearded lady, earlier this year at a pitch and putt event in Murroe, Co.Tipperary.
Flight records show he travelled to America on 28th March last , soon after Murroe police sought to question him.It is understood that within days of arriving in Minnasoda he unsuccessfully attempted to expose himself to a a full scale model of a T-Rex dinosaur from the late Triassic period.
Unable to secure work in the city of Minnesoda, it is believed the accused lived for a time in several city parks, moving from one to the other when the heat from local mothers got too heavy.
The accused was taken into the custody of the Minnasoda State Police on friday last when a number of sightings in the lakes district of a peson illegally impersonating a bearded walrus, were reported to police.
Upon being taken into custody the accused was heard to say "I ain't got nothin to say to nobody but Kojack".
This brings to the number five, children who were frightened at pitch and putt events already this year.A startling increase of 2% on the number recorded for the first quarter of last year.
In other news, infamous local gunman Dan Meethan is set to return to Ireland on Friday, to face charges of illegally impersonating a bearded woman.
Irish Authorities have filed an extradition request for the male nurse believed to be living in Minnasoda, who is accused of frightening a child while dressed as a bearded lady, earlier this year at a pitch and putt event in Murroe, Co.Tipperary.
Flight records show he travelled to America on 28th March last , soon after Murroe police sought to question him.It is understood that within days of arriving in Minnasoda he unsuccessfully attempted to expose himself to a a full scale model of a T-Rex dinosaur from the late Triassic period.
Unable to secure work in the city of Minnesoda, it is believed the accused lived for a time in several city parks, moving from one to the other when the heat from local mothers got too heavy.
The accused was taken into the custody of the Minnasoda State Police on friday last when a number of sightings in the lakes district of a peson illegally impersonating a bearded walrus, were reported to police.
Upon being taken into custody the accused was heard to say "I ain't got nothin to say to nobody but Kojack".
This brings to the number five, children who were frightened at pitch and putt events already this year.A startling increase of 2% on the number recorded for the first quarter of last year.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
"Dan Plus Laos Equals: D-Laos"
A happy go lucky medical goods factory somewhere in the mid-west. The cast of regulars includes, Loosey Lui, Burn Face Michelle Yeoh, The Red Hand, Hong Kong Rita, Blowfish Biglips, Meloveyoulongtime and Rick Rickshaw.
Dan speaks with favourite local and mega legend, The Mighty Shoe. We join them mid-conversation.
The Mighty Shoe (Speaking with Asian twanged accent.)
"So out of your group, who do you think is nicest?"
Dan (Confused by the question.)
"Uh... I don't know."
The Mighty Shoe (Laughing.)
"I thought, that you were going to say, that you were the nicest."
Dan
"Nah, I'm too modest."
The Mighty Shoe
"...You are the oddest?"
Dan
"Modest?"
The Mighty Shoe
"...Oddest?"
Dan
"Mod-est"
The Mighty Shoe
"Odd-est."
Dan
"Actually, I'm am the nicest."
The Mighty Shoe
"Oh, okay."
All sorts of awkward silences fall on the pair.
The Mighty Shoe
"So, what did you guys do at the weekend?"
Dan
"Took a drive out to the zoo. It was great. We saw a rare ape."
The Mighty Shoe (Genuinely shocked.)
"Oh my God, that is terrible.
Dan
...?
The Mighty Shoe
"Did you call the police?"
Dan
"Uh...no, we just watched for a while and I took some pictures."
The Might Shoe
..?!
Dan
"Uh...I don't know what I just did there but I want you to know The Mighty Shoe, that I think you're great."
Hong Kong Rita
"I think you great too Dan; great on my nerves."
Dan (Throwing it down.)
"You want some of this shit Rita?."
End scene.
Dan speaks with favourite local and mega legend, The Mighty Shoe. We join them mid-conversation.
The Mighty Shoe (Speaking with Asian twanged accent.)
"So out of your group, who do you think is nicest?"
Dan (Confused by the question.)
"Uh... I don't know."
The Mighty Shoe (Laughing.)
"I thought, that you were going to say, that you were the nicest."
Dan
"Nah, I'm too modest."
The Mighty Shoe
"...You are the oddest?"
Dan
"Modest?"
The Mighty Shoe
"...Oddest?"
Dan
"Mod-est"
The Mighty Shoe
"Odd-est."
Dan
"Actually, I'm am the nicest."
The Mighty Shoe
"Oh, okay."
All sorts of awkward silences fall on the pair.
The Mighty Shoe
"So, what did you guys do at the weekend?"
Dan
"Took a drive out to the zoo. It was great. We saw a rare ape."
The Mighty Shoe (Genuinely shocked.)
"Oh my God, that is terrible.
Dan
...?
The Mighty Shoe
"Did you call the police?"
Dan
"Uh...no, we just watched for a while and I took some pictures."
The Might Shoe
..?!
Dan
"Uh...I don't know what I just did there but I want you to know The Mighty Shoe, that I think you're great."
Hong Kong Rita
"I think you great too Dan; great on my nerves."
Dan (Throwing it down.)
"You want some of this shit Rita?."
End scene.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
"A Danner Darkly"
Doctor
“Damage has taken place to the left dominant hemisphere and the right hemisphere is attempting to compensate.”
Dan
“You mean, the two halves of my brain are…competing?”
Doctor.
“That would depend.”
Dan
“On what?”
Doctor.
“Whether or not you consider the Special Olympics a competition.”
Dan
“Guh?”
Monday, March 13, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
"TV Times #3"
Coming up next on the new season of 24. The long working hours begin to take their toll on Jack Bauer.
Curtis
“Jack, are you okay? It sounds like you're injured.”
Jack Bauer
“Curtis, if I don’t get to a toilet in the next fifteen minutes, I am going to shit my pants. Do you copy?”
23:15:05… 23:15:06… 23:15:07
Curtis
“Jack, are you okay? It sounds like you're injured.”
Jack Bauer
“Curtis, if I don’t get to a toilet in the next fifteen minutes, I am going to shit my pants. Do you copy?”
23:15:05… 23:15:06… 23:15:07
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Humanity in space 2
“Captains log, star date 25.25.02. We are receiving reports of unidentified…”
“He’s doing it again!”
“Just ignore him.”
“If he doesn’t shut up I’m going to have to beat him senseless. Why is he talking to that lump of plastic anyway?”
“I think it is supposed to be a log.” he said looking at the short, fat, balding, old man standing in the corner of the room.
“That makes about as much sense as cement flavored ice-cream.”
“Don’t start that again. I told you I get confused when good looking women talk to me. Now just drop it.”
“You don’t seem confused when you’re talking to me?”
“I said good looking women.” He muttered under his breath.
She stopped and turned towards him. “What did you say?” she said with murder in her eyes.
“hahum, nothing I was just thinking that lump of plastic is the closest thing to a log on this hunk of junk.” He said quickly changing the subject.
“What do you mean there is a whole hydroponics bay full of tree’s. Not that it would make any more sense but he could have at least looked there.”
“Well actually that’s where he got the lump of plastic. You see the hydroponics bay was supposed to provide extra oxygen for the ship but during construction some bright spark figured out that plastic trees cost half the price of real tree’s and made a tidy profit for himself.”
“This is some amount of Bullshit. I thought this was supposed to be the most expensive ship ever built?”
“Ya well you can pay a man a million quid for a piece of shit. Now that piece of shit is the most expensive piece of shit ever. Doesn’t mean it’s anything more than a piece of shit though does it?”
She nodded and sighed, “What’s for Dinner?”
“Two plastic Carrots and a can of spam, same as yesterday.”
“Nice one,” she said reaching for the pot.
“Captains log supplemental, I fear there may be cling ons……”
The woman walks calmly over to the old man and begins beating him with the pot. As he turns his attention from the sigh of his female companion beating the life out of a crazy, short, fat, balding, old man, he stares into the space he has been floating in for the last 2 years and thinks ‘What the fuck are we doing up here.’
“He’s doing it again!”
“Just ignore him.”
“If he doesn’t shut up I’m going to have to beat him senseless. Why is he talking to that lump of plastic anyway?”
“I think it is supposed to be a log.” he said looking at the short, fat, balding, old man standing in the corner of the room.
“That makes about as much sense as cement flavored ice-cream.”
“Don’t start that again. I told you I get confused when good looking women talk to me. Now just drop it.”
“You don’t seem confused when you’re talking to me?”
“I said good looking women.” He muttered under his breath.
She stopped and turned towards him. “What did you say?” she said with murder in her eyes.
“hahum, nothing I was just thinking that lump of plastic is the closest thing to a log on this hunk of junk.” He said quickly changing the subject.
“What do you mean there is a whole hydroponics bay full of tree’s. Not that it would make any more sense but he could have at least looked there.”
“Well actually that’s where he got the lump of plastic. You see the hydroponics bay was supposed to provide extra oxygen for the ship but during construction some bright spark figured out that plastic trees cost half the price of real tree’s and made a tidy profit for himself.”
“This is some amount of Bullshit. I thought this was supposed to be the most expensive ship ever built?”
“Ya well you can pay a man a million quid for a piece of shit. Now that piece of shit is the most expensive piece of shit ever. Doesn’t mean it’s anything more than a piece of shit though does it?”
She nodded and sighed, “What’s for Dinner?”
“Two plastic Carrots and a can of spam, same as yesterday.”
“Nice one,” she said reaching for the pot.
“Captains log supplemental, I fear there may be cling ons……”
The woman walks calmly over to the old man and begins beating him with the pot. As he turns his attention from the sigh of his female companion beating the life out of a crazy, short, fat, balding, old man, he stares into the space he has been floating in for the last 2 years and thinks ‘What the fuck are we doing up here.’
"TV Times #2"
Coming up on classic A-team. The gang plan to utilise an oversized novelty carpenters tool to negotiate over a surface where no point is higher or lower than another. But B.A’s got something to say about that!
B.A
“I ain’t getting on no plane, fool.”
B.A
“I ain’t getting on no plane, fool.”
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
"TV Times #1"
Coming up on Star Trek, The Next Generation, Data finally fulfils his dream to become a human while the rest of the crew fulfil their shared secret dream... to become androids.
Android Picard.
"Commander Data, how long until we reach Starbase 657?"
Data
"Twenty-two hours Captain."
Android Picard.
"Incorrect."
Android Picard.
"Commander Data, how long until we reach Starbase 657?"
Data
"Twenty-two hours Captain."
Android Picard.
"Incorrect."
Sunday, March 05, 2006
"MSN Messenger: Lump Will Lover Them, Lover All Over Them"
BERNADETTE says:
Hey, what are you doing up so late?
Daniel says:
Having gay orgasms in my ass
Daniel says:
Oops sorry meant that for someone else
BERNADETTE says:
Lol I won't care to comment
Daniel says:
You better not, say nothing to no-body.
Daniel says:
Uh, so how are you?
BERNADETTE says:
And from then on well when the Barbarians tasted beer well then their meager mead was no substitute for the real deal
BERNADETTE says:
I’m fine and that last sentence was not for you
BERNADETTE says:
Lol don't worry I won't
Daniel says:
I'm not worried, for you see, I am only joking.
BERNADETTE says:
Someone once told me: many truths are revealed in jokes
Daniel says:
Oh give it to me big boy
Daniel says:
Oh Jesus sorry.
Daniel says:
That was, also a joke.
BERNADETTE says:
Hahahaha
Daniel says:
Yes indeed, ha ha.
BERNADETTE says:
If you're wondering about the beer
BERNADETTE says:
I’m telling Tom about how it got to Germany
BERNADETTE says:
And about the ancient Egyptians
BERNADETTE says:
And basically (as usual) I’m outlining doing his speech draft for him
BERNADETTE says:
He likes talking about beer to tick me off
Daniel says:
I don't give a shit.
Daniel says:
Ah fuck, sorry, I'm talking to an idiot on messenger
BERNADETTE says:
So I thought it would be fun if he gave a speech about something he likes
BERNADETTE says:
Ah ok
Daniel says:
Not you, this other fucking idiot, he is really annoying the shit out of me. Any suggestions to get rid of him?
BERNADETTE says:
Depends on your relationship to him
BERNADETTE says:
If you know him well
Daniel says:
Yeah?
BERNADETTE says:
Then tell him you are trying to download stuff and can't really talk
BERNADETTE says:
Or something like that I don't know
Daniel says:
That’s good enough for me. How’s lump? I haven't been talking to him in a while?
BERNADETTE says:
Well he is getting pics via email
BERNADETTE says:
I don't know what happened to the ones I sent via mail
BERNADETTE says:
So I finally decided to start using my digital so tom was over and we were loading the stuff up
Daniel says:
Sexy pics? Lump would love that considering all the porn he looks at.
BERNADETTE says:
They are pics of me ok
BERNADETTE says:
Sexy?
BERNADETTE says:
Not really.
Hey, what are you doing up so late?
Daniel says:
Having gay orgasms in my ass
Daniel says:
Oops sorry meant that for someone else
BERNADETTE says:
Lol I won't care to comment
Daniel says:
You better not, say nothing to no-body.
Daniel says:
Uh, so how are you?
BERNADETTE says:
And from then on well when the Barbarians tasted beer well then their meager mead was no substitute for the real deal
BERNADETTE says:
I’m fine and that last sentence was not for you
BERNADETTE says:
Lol don't worry I won't
Daniel says:
I'm not worried, for you see, I am only joking.
BERNADETTE says:
Someone once told me: many truths are revealed in jokes
Daniel says:
Oh give it to me big boy
Daniel says:
Oh Jesus sorry.
Daniel says:
That was, also a joke.
BERNADETTE says:
Hahahaha
Daniel says:
Yes indeed, ha ha.
BERNADETTE says:
If you're wondering about the beer
BERNADETTE says:
I’m telling Tom about how it got to Germany
BERNADETTE says:
And about the ancient Egyptians
BERNADETTE says:
And basically (as usual) I’m outlining doing his speech draft for him
BERNADETTE says:
He likes talking about beer to tick me off
Daniel says:
I don't give a shit.
Daniel says:
Ah fuck, sorry, I'm talking to an idiot on messenger
BERNADETTE says:
So I thought it would be fun if he gave a speech about something he likes
BERNADETTE says:
Ah ok
Daniel says:
Not you, this other fucking idiot, he is really annoying the shit out of me. Any suggestions to get rid of him?
BERNADETTE says:
Depends on your relationship to him
BERNADETTE says:
If you know him well
Daniel says:
Yeah?
BERNADETTE says:
Then tell him you are trying to download stuff and can't really talk
BERNADETTE says:
Or something like that I don't know
Daniel says:
That’s good enough for me. How’s lump? I haven't been talking to him in a while?
BERNADETTE says:
Well he is getting pics via email
BERNADETTE says:
I don't know what happened to the ones I sent via mail
BERNADETTE says:
So I finally decided to start using my digital so tom was over and we were loading the stuff up
Daniel says:
Sexy pics? Lump would love that considering all the porn he looks at.
BERNADETTE says:
They are pics of me ok
BERNADETTE says:
Sexy?
BERNADETTE says:
Not really.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
"The Old Man and the C"
“Would you boys like some tea?” purred Darina Adventure, brew master and cleaner of the Ab Ovo Institute for Science and Chicken Farming. Both Professor Trin Fallacy and Professor Tee Jay waved her on.
“I leave it down here then,” and she teetered her wrinkled mess of a body to the far end of the room spilling sugar and milk as she went.
Professor Jay scanned the information on the clipboard, flicking back and forth between pages.
“According to the brickwell, brinell and vickers test, ‘sorry’ seems to be the hardest word.”
Professor Fallacy crossed his arms indignantly and spoke.
“I believe my theory is vindicated. You owe me an apology Jay.”
Outside, lightning hissed through the air as a seasonal storm picked up pace.
“That’s pathetic Fallacy, this in no way supports your theory. Words that on one level seem similar can be completely different on another level.
Look at this,” he said presenting a page from his writing pad.
“I see,” said Fallacy, not really seeing.
“Now look at this,” said Jay turning over to the next leaf.
“Oh…” disappointment crossed his face, “…I sea.”
“Icy? It’s a fucking blizzard out there,” said the newly arrived Professor Nitt Mustard.
“Now the circle is complete,” declared Professor Jay, “and look I also drew a square and some sort of uh… squiggly thing.”
“Nitt,” said Fallacy “we need one of your experimental machines to help us out with our project.”
Mustard was delighted. “Which one? They’re all equally fucktastic.”
“We’re not really sure. What does that one do?”
“This bitch,” said Nitt, patting a large grey box, “is the Non Sequiter Mk2. You input all the information you have, all the data and results you have already collected and it provides you with a reply that has no relevance whatsoever.”
“It’ll end world hunger,” declared Fallacy.
Jay and Nitt nodded in disagreement.
“And what about that grey box you’re patting?”
Nitt smirked, “I just invented this fucker. It should solve all your problems. It’s the Deus Ex Machina. Here let me fire it up.”
“Are you sure its safe,” asked Fallacy
“Of course," laughed Mustard, “there are maybe two things in the entire world that would dangerously disrupt this machine.”
A moment after the machine was switched on, and just a moment before Professor Mustard was to tell them that milk was one of the two things in the entire world that could dangerously disrupt the machine, it exploded, killing all present.
Coroners Verdict: Death by Ms. Adventure.
“I leave it down here then,” and she teetered her wrinkled mess of a body to the far end of the room spilling sugar and milk as she went.
Professor Jay scanned the information on the clipboard, flicking back and forth between pages.
“According to the brickwell, brinell and vickers test, ‘sorry’ seems to be the hardest word.”
Professor Fallacy crossed his arms indignantly and spoke.
“I believe my theory is vindicated. You owe me an apology Jay.”
Outside, lightning hissed through the air as a seasonal storm picked up pace.
“That’s pathetic Fallacy, this in no way supports your theory. Words that on one level seem similar can be completely different on another level.
Look at this,” he said presenting a page from his writing pad.
“I see,” said Fallacy, not really seeing.
“Now look at this,” said Jay turning over to the next leaf.
“Oh…” disappointment crossed his face, “…I sea.”
“Icy? It’s a fucking blizzard out there,” said the newly arrived Professor Nitt Mustard.
“Now the circle is complete,” declared Professor Jay, “and look I also drew a square and some sort of uh… squiggly thing.”
“Nitt,” said Fallacy “we need one of your experimental machines to help us out with our project.”
Mustard was delighted. “Which one? They’re all equally fucktastic.”
“We’re not really sure. What does that one do?”
“This bitch,” said Nitt, patting a large grey box, “is the Non Sequiter Mk2. You input all the information you have, all the data and results you have already collected and it provides you with a reply that has no relevance whatsoever.”
“It’ll end world hunger,” declared Fallacy.
Jay and Nitt nodded in disagreement.
“And what about that grey box you’re patting?”
Nitt smirked, “I just invented this fucker. It should solve all your problems. It’s the Deus Ex Machina. Here let me fire it up.”
“Are you sure its safe,” asked Fallacy
“Of course," laughed Mustard, “there are maybe two things in the entire world that would dangerously disrupt this machine.”
A moment after the machine was switched on, and just a moment before Professor Mustard was to tell them that milk was one of the two things in the entire world that could dangerously disrupt the machine, it exploded, killing all present.
Coroners Verdict: Death by Ms. Adventure.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
J.A.A.D
Cloudy eyes opened, registering little before them. A mouth twitched, yellow and wet with spit. A body shuddered, not with cold or fear but from that other thing.
Tony Jaa made no attempt to forget the dream. Instead, he watched the orderly carry the stinky Englishman away and did his best not to inhale the noxious vapour river of booze and piss that trailed in their wake. All around him were dying men. The stinky wrinkled excrement of juvenile times.
Sometimes his head felt heavy and he would fall into acid dark or not, conditional to the presence of strength. Less and less could he rely on the tiger’s vigour to remain conscious. Less and less did the vinegar sterility of his world inspire him to try.
The dream had wafted in on a strange liquid breeze, settling peacefully and yet disturbing profoundly. A drunken master long gone from life had appeared on a hazy field of yellow grass and ruby soil. Furious movements, magnificent forms; the feats of prowess painted a glorious carnival of life.
“I was once as you were. I was worshipped and loved. Time grew jealous of these things. Those that would have raised me on shoulders crushed me under foot. Past victories were meaningless. The mistake I made…”
A dragon appeared, its chest slashed trice. It burnt the sky with spirit alone until all creation could but stare at its wonder. Then ashes rained, the dragon no more.
“…You made it too.”
Tony Jaa made no attempt to forget the dream. Instead, he watched the orderly carry the stinky Englishman away and did his best not to inhale the noxious vapour river of booze and piss that trailed in their wake. All around him were dying men. The stinky wrinkled excrement of juvenile times.
Sometimes his head felt heavy and he would fall into acid dark or not, conditional to the presence of strength. Less and less could he rely on the tiger’s vigour to remain conscious. Less and less did the vinegar sterility of his world inspire him to try.
The dream had wafted in on a strange liquid breeze, settling peacefully and yet disturbing profoundly. A drunken master long gone from life had appeared on a hazy field of yellow grass and ruby soil. Furious movements, magnificent forms; the feats of prowess painted a glorious carnival of life.
“I was once as you were. I was worshipped and loved. Time grew jealous of these things. Those that would have raised me on shoulders crushed me under foot. Past victories were meaningless. The mistake I made…”
A dragon appeared, its chest slashed trice. It burnt the sky with spirit alone until all creation could but stare at its wonder. Then ashes rained, the dragon no more.
“…You made it too.”
Thursday, February 09, 2006
D.A.D
“No joke, nipples like mushrooms. So I looked her right in the eye and said, ‘the name is Bond, James Bond.’ And she said, ‘I know who you are Mr. Bond, my name is Shebe Moisty.’
Shebe Moisty! Can you fucking believe it? So I said, ‘tell me Shebe, are you a cold-blooded or a hot-blooded woman?’ That threw her. So she pouted and said, ‘how does one go about telling?’ And you are not going to believe this, I said, ‘personally, I like to stick my toe in the deep end.’ And I followed that up straight away for a double whammy, ‘if the temperature is agreeable, perhaps I’ll go for a few laps.’
The Asian orderly gently removed the old telephone receiver from Bond’s matchstick fingers. “Time for a bath Mr. Bond.” James looked away, out the window where the old hickory tree was flaking and whittling to dust. “I’m talking on the phone,” he grumbled.
“Sure Mr. Bond, and you can go back to talking after you’ve had a bath.”
“That old tree…” James trailed off, his knuckles whitened.
“All things that live die, Mr. Bond.”
“Do you expect me to die?”
The orderly gathered the rags of James up in his arms.
“No Mr. Bond, after your bath, I expect you to talk.”
Shebe Moisty! Can you fucking believe it? So I said, ‘tell me Shebe, are you a cold-blooded or a hot-blooded woman?’ That threw her. So she pouted and said, ‘how does one go about telling?’ And you are not going to believe this, I said, ‘personally, I like to stick my toe in the deep end.’ And I followed that up straight away for a double whammy, ‘if the temperature is agreeable, perhaps I’ll go for a few laps.’
The Asian orderly gently removed the old telephone receiver from Bond’s matchstick fingers. “Time for a bath Mr. Bond.” James looked away, out the window where the old hickory tree was flaking and whittling to dust. “I’m talking on the phone,” he grumbled.
“Sure Mr. Bond, and you can go back to talking after you’ve had a bath.”
“That old tree…” James trailed off, his knuckles whitened.
“All things that live die, Mr. Bond.”
“Do you expect me to die?”
The orderly gathered the rags of James up in his arms.
“No Mr. Bond, after your bath, I expect you to talk.”
Thursday, January 26, 2006
"Con Test Or Man Test"
This is a genuine test of MANhood and is accurate to 99.9% MAN.
# 1
What would you rather be?
(A) A woMAN.
(B) I don't know.
(C) A legend.
# 2
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it..."
(A) "...make a sound?"
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...mean that a deaf MAN head butted it."
# 3
You're at a friend’s house and they offer you a banana. What do you say?
(A) "Oh lovely, a banana. I'll gobble that right down."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "Get that banana out of my face or I'll cut it off at the balls."
# 4
Fight Club. Discuss.
(A) "What appears to be a film about MEN touching each other is actually a film about a MAN touching himself."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "His name is Robert Paulson."
# 5
Do you worship God or Satan?
(A) God.
(B) I don't know.
(C) Whichever is the one I see in the mirror.
# 6
Which of the following is the closet to your life motto?
(A) "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you."
(B) "I don't know."
(C) "Arbeit macht frei."
# 7
Complete the sentence: "Fight fire with..."
(A) "...fire."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...water."
# 8
"Stupid is as..."
(A) "...stupid does."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...woMAN does."
# 9
You are perforMing AN intiMAte coNcert of earthy folk tunes detailing the lives of coal Miners ANd railway barons when Music from A Nearby teenwhore gig interrupts. Your reaction.
(A) "Those Sugababes sure have sass."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "That shitfull music is disrupting my storytelling."
# 10
"When life throws you lemons..."
(A) "...make lemonade."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...catch them."
Mostly A: Nice tits, bitch.
Mostly B: Indecision is a signpost that a woMAN driver has crashed into killing all her male passengers whilst rendering her deformed and thus unusable to reMAiNing MEN.
Mostly C: A real MAN doesn't need a test to prove it. A real MAN knows it. He feels it every time he looks at a woMAN, every time he arm-wrestles a punk into submission, every time he wraps a shiv. Every cell in his body vibrates every moment of every day with the power of MAN. A real MAN wouldn't have read this far. Better get the tampons in.
# 1
What would you rather be?
(A) A woMAN.
(B) I don't know.
(C) A legend.
# 2
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it..."
(A) "...make a sound?"
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...mean that a deaf MAN head butted it."
# 3
You're at a friend’s house and they offer you a banana. What do you say?
(A) "Oh lovely, a banana. I'll gobble that right down."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "Get that banana out of my face or I'll cut it off at the balls."
# 4
Fight Club. Discuss.
(A) "What appears to be a film about MEN touching each other is actually a film about a MAN touching himself."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "His name is Robert Paulson."
# 5
Do you worship God or Satan?
(A) God.
(B) I don't know.
(C) Whichever is the one I see in the mirror.
# 6
Which of the following is the closet to your life motto?
(A) "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you."
(B) "I don't know."
(C) "Arbeit macht frei."
# 7
Complete the sentence: "Fight fire with..."
(A) "...fire."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...water."
# 8
"Stupid is as..."
(A) "...stupid does."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...woMAN does."
# 9
You are perforMing AN intiMAte coNcert of earthy folk tunes detailing the lives of coal Miners ANd railway barons when Music from A Nearby teenwhore gig interrupts. Your reaction.
(A) "Those Sugababes sure have sass."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "That shitfull music is disrupting my storytelling."
# 10
"When life throws you lemons..."
(A) "...make lemonade."
(B) I don't know.
(C) "...catch them."
Mostly A: Nice tits, bitch.
Mostly B: Indecision is a signpost that a woMAN driver has crashed into killing all her male passengers whilst rendering her deformed and thus unusable to reMAiNing MEN.
Mostly C: A real MAN doesn't need a test to prove it. A real MAN knows it. He feels it every time he looks at a woMAN, every time he arm-wrestles a punk into submission, every time he wraps a shiv. Every cell in his body vibrates every moment of every day with the power of MAN. A real MAN wouldn't have read this far. Better get the tampons in.
Friday, January 20, 2006
"Bumforgiven"
"They call me The Myopic Kid, on account of my firearm of choice." He twirled the pistol in his hand. "The Colt Myopic 88."
"That’s a Colt Nay 33 kid."
The young horseman squinted at the raised lettering on his pistol. "The Nay Kid?" he mumbled. "Look mister, I ain't here to discuss the finer points of pistol names."
"Best you be telling me your business then," said the old farmer.
"Two gay cowboys cut up a manwhore pretty bad. All up in his titties and such. Worked over his sack too I expect. All them she males have collaborated their earnings and are offering a reward for justice."
"Justice or vengeance?"
"It don't matter beyond the telling of it. I'm just looking to get my hands on some of that brown gold and maybe some free ones while I'm at it."
"I'm not giving out free ones kid."
"I'm here because I need a partner and I heard you were a killin' machine. Story was that a man could make a healthy living from digging graves in your wake."
"You got the wrong man kid."
"Heard tell that Dead Man Pass used to be called Crowning Meadows till you took it on yourself to clean it up."
"That ain't me kid."
"Heard you even killed Gambling Freakshow Eddie Owe Nine. And they say he could dodge bullets."
The old farmers eyes cut the horizon. "Freakshow Eddie," memories from the ether, "I fired on him. Sumbitch was faster than a shadow, crouched right down to the dirt. Didn't know I was aiming for his balls."
"The duck of death," whispered The Myopic Kid.
"His face, it disappeared, fell away from his skull like a crimson shroud. A mans features shouldn't do that..."
"Pa, another hog has the fever." The farmer’s young sons voice cut through the past.
"Goddamnit kid, that ain't me, not anymore."
The old farmer kicked at the dirt. "Kid, I upheld the law. I killed men like others swatted midgets. And I killed some of those little fellas too. If they were deserving it. But I met a woman. A good woman. And I calmed my ways, took to working in a Public Trust Bank, until we had sufficient savings. I bought this here hog farm on which I could raise the little ones. Now my wife, God rest her soul, is waiting for me on the other side. When I see her again, I know she'll be proud that I kept to my peaceful ways."
"Seems like a step backwards to me," said the Kid.
"Well I guess it depends on which way your facing. Now you best be following your path." Spinning his horse, the kid made to ride away but turned back again. "You looking rusty and all but if the wind blows differently and you want to catch up with me, I'll be riding along Boddicker ridge."
"Kid," said the old farmer."
"Yeah mister."
"Some advice. Good easy on the aftershave. A drop of infinity goes a long way and I smelled you coming two days ago."
Long after the beat of hooves on dirt had left his ears, the yearning remained in his heart.
"Pa, the damn hogs, they got the fever."
The old farmer stood ten feet from the post upon which he had placed the can. The mechanism in his leg long since unused began to buzz to life. It blossomed and his sidearm emerged. Raising it as he had done many times before, he spoke the words more out habit than necessity.
"Dead or alive, your coming with me." And he fired.
Later they would speak and sing and mime:
"A can once filled with corn so sweet,
perched on a post under the Missouri heat.
Dimpled skin, jagged edges; rusted rivers over it flowed,
It had served its purpose; it had carried its life load.
Yet, of something special it still became aware,
A stirring, goosebumbs, a neck with prickled hair.
Red bullets tore through without concern, pause or stop.
The return of a hero. Half man. Half machine. All cop."
"That’s a Colt Nay 33 kid."
The young horseman squinted at the raised lettering on his pistol. "The Nay Kid?" he mumbled. "Look mister, I ain't here to discuss the finer points of pistol names."
"Best you be telling me your business then," said the old farmer.
"Two gay cowboys cut up a manwhore pretty bad. All up in his titties and such. Worked over his sack too I expect. All them she males have collaborated their earnings and are offering a reward for justice."
"Justice or vengeance?"
"It don't matter beyond the telling of it. I'm just looking to get my hands on some of that brown gold and maybe some free ones while I'm at it."
"I'm not giving out free ones kid."
"I'm here because I need a partner and I heard you were a killin' machine. Story was that a man could make a healthy living from digging graves in your wake."
"You got the wrong man kid."
"Heard tell that Dead Man Pass used to be called Crowning Meadows till you took it on yourself to clean it up."
"That ain't me kid."
"Heard you even killed Gambling Freakshow Eddie Owe Nine. And they say he could dodge bullets."
The old farmers eyes cut the horizon. "Freakshow Eddie," memories from the ether, "I fired on him. Sumbitch was faster than a shadow, crouched right down to the dirt. Didn't know I was aiming for his balls."
"The duck of death," whispered The Myopic Kid.
"His face, it disappeared, fell away from his skull like a crimson shroud. A mans features shouldn't do that..."
"Pa, another hog has the fever." The farmer’s young sons voice cut through the past.
"Goddamnit kid, that ain't me, not anymore."
The old farmer kicked at the dirt. "Kid, I upheld the law. I killed men like others swatted midgets. And I killed some of those little fellas too. If they were deserving it. But I met a woman. A good woman. And I calmed my ways, took to working in a Public Trust Bank, until we had sufficient savings. I bought this here hog farm on which I could raise the little ones. Now my wife, God rest her soul, is waiting for me on the other side. When I see her again, I know she'll be proud that I kept to my peaceful ways."
"Seems like a step backwards to me," said the Kid.
"Well I guess it depends on which way your facing. Now you best be following your path." Spinning his horse, the kid made to ride away but turned back again. "You looking rusty and all but if the wind blows differently and you want to catch up with me, I'll be riding along Boddicker ridge."
"Kid," said the old farmer."
"Yeah mister."
"Some advice. Good easy on the aftershave. A drop of infinity goes a long way and I smelled you coming two days ago."
Long after the beat of hooves on dirt had left his ears, the yearning remained in his heart.
"Pa, the damn hogs, they got the fever."
The old farmer stood ten feet from the post upon which he had placed the can. The mechanism in his leg long since unused began to buzz to life. It blossomed and his sidearm emerged. Raising it as he had done many times before, he spoke the words more out habit than necessity.
"Dead or alive, your coming with me." And he fired.
Later they would speak and sing and mime:
"A can once filled with corn so sweet,
perched on a post under the Missouri heat.
Dimpled skin, jagged edges; rusted rivers over it flowed,
It had served its purpose; it had carried its life load.
Yet, of something special it still became aware,
A stirring, goosebumbs, a neck with prickled hair.
Red bullets tore through without concern, pause or stop.
The return of a hero. Half man. Half machine. All cop."
Friday, January 06, 2006
Making the Film
"Quick we're losing him" I screamed.
"He is fast.........very fast." Said my slightly out of breath female assistant.
Sure she was carring all the equipment but that was no excuse for losing our target.
"What did you expect? If he was slow we wouldnt be here. Now shut up and keep running."
"I dont think I can keep going I need to sit down." She panted as she slumped into a cafe chair.
"What the hell? How do you expect us to get the money Daly promised us if you keep on taking breaks?"
"How much money are we getting you havent even told me how much I am getting. I think I should know after all I paid for the airline tickets and bought all the equipment.."
"For the love of God woman, SHUT UP. With all of your talking and sitting it will be a wonder if we get any footage at all. Right give me the labtop I need to find out where our star lives."
"The... Lap....Top......?"
"Yes. Have you developed a speach impediment? The laptop which I told you to bring?"
"Well I dont think I was there when you told me that."
"..............What the hell kind of sence does that make? Are you trying to tell me that when I had a conversation with you, you were not even there to hear it? I dont want to talk to you when you are standing in front of me why the hell would I talk to you when you werent there? That is the stupidest..."
"Shut up he's looking at us"she said looking over my shoulder.
"Who is?" I said looking around, "And did you just tell me to shut up?"
It was then I saw him walking towards us the star of my soon to be bet winning video.
"Ok" I shreaked "Act natural".
I sprang into the nearest chair and screamed a the top of my voice, "Ha Ha Ha that was so witty," at my slightly starteled and less than able boddied assistant. Shit I thaught one look at her and he will know I am up to something there is no way she was being witty. Keeping my head down I watch him walk by in my periferal vision once I am sure he is out of ear shot I detail my cunningly devised plan to my acomples. She is to go to the top of the street and set up video camera, while I pay a homless peson to attack our star. It was briliant, an instant short film with no overheads. As she gathers the equipment I pay the slightly over weight and heavily intoxiated homeless man. After a few tries I finally get him to understand what I want and watch with pride as he charges off screaming profanities towards the designated area. I returned to my seat confident in the knollage that my plan was fool proof and that I could watch the fight later. About twenty minutes later my once more out of breath assistant stumbles out of a building and walks towards me. This was odd in two ways, firstly as I had sent her up the street and secondly what had she been doing in a one story building that could have left her out of breath?
"So what happened? Did you get the fight on film?" I asked slightly unsure if I wanted to hear what she had done.
"No he didnt turn up." she said once more slumping into her seat.
"But I saw our star walk up the street and the homless guy followed him. Was there no fight?"
"Up the street? But I was in that building over there?" She said pointing at the slightly rundown one story building she had staggered out of.
"Why were you in that building?" I said struggeling to hold my temper.
"Well," she said slightly uneasily "I must of thaught that was what you wanted me to do."
That was it my face turned purple and I was using every ounce of will power to try to control my insurmountable rage. After all if I killed her now there were too many witnesses. And I was unsure if I could survive life in a thailand prision but I was concidering it. As I stood rooted to the spot I over heard a conversation an American was having with his friend.
"That was awesome I cannt believe we saw Tony Jaa kicking the shit out of that homeless guy. That was the greatest fight I have ever seen."
As I let my breath out slowly I turned to my petrified female assistant and said, "Thats it you just fucked up another one of my briliant plans. I am getting the hell out of this country. God, I really dont know why I keep you around. Now pack my bags and meet me at the airport............ Oh ya and you better give me a fiver it looks like Daly wins his bet."
"He is fast.........very fast." Said my slightly out of breath female assistant.
Sure she was carring all the equipment but that was no excuse for losing our target.
"What did you expect? If he was slow we wouldnt be here. Now shut up and keep running."
"I dont think I can keep going I need to sit down." She panted as she slumped into a cafe chair.
"What the hell? How do you expect us to get the money Daly promised us if you keep on taking breaks?"
"How much money are we getting you havent even told me how much I am getting. I think I should know after all I paid for the airline tickets and bought all the equipment.."
"For the love of God woman, SHUT UP. With all of your talking and sitting it will be a wonder if we get any footage at all. Right give me the labtop I need to find out where our star lives."
"The... Lap....Top......?"
"Yes. Have you developed a speach impediment? The laptop which I told you to bring?"
"Well I dont think I was there when you told me that."
"..............What the hell kind of sence does that make? Are you trying to tell me that when I had a conversation with you, you were not even there to hear it? I dont want to talk to you when you are standing in front of me why the hell would I talk to you when you werent there? That is the stupidest..."
"Shut up he's looking at us"she said looking over my shoulder.
"Who is?" I said looking around, "And did you just tell me to shut up?"
It was then I saw him walking towards us the star of my soon to be bet winning video.
"Ok" I shreaked "Act natural".
I sprang into the nearest chair and screamed a the top of my voice, "Ha Ha Ha that was so witty," at my slightly starteled and less than able boddied assistant. Shit I thaught one look at her and he will know I am up to something there is no way she was being witty. Keeping my head down I watch him walk by in my periferal vision once I am sure he is out of ear shot I detail my cunningly devised plan to my acomples. She is to go to the top of the street and set up video camera, while I pay a homless peson to attack our star. It was briliant, an instant short film with no overheads. As she gathers the equipment I pay the slightly over weight and heavily intoxiated homeless man. After a few tries I finally get him to understand what I want and watch with pride as he charges off screaming profanities towards the designated area. I returned to my seat confident in the knollage that my plan was fool proof and that I could watch the fight later. About twenty minutes later my once more out of breath assistant stumbles out of a building and walks towards me. This was odd in two ways, firstly as I had sent her up the street and secondly what had she been doing in a one story building that could have left her out of breath?
"So what happened? Did you get the fight on film?" I asked slightly unsure if I wanted to hear what she had done.
"No he didnt turn up." she said once more slumping into her seat.
"But I saw our star walk up the street and the homless guy followed him. Was there no fight?"
"Up the street? But I was in that building over there?" She said pointing at the slightly rundown one story building she had staggered out of.
"Why were you in that building?" I said struggeling to hold my temper.
"Well," she said slightly uneasily "I must of thaught that was what you wanted me to do."
That was it my face turned purple and I was using every ounce of will power to try to control my insurmountable rage. After all if I killed her now there were too many witnesses. And I was unsure if I could survive life in a thailand prision but I was concidering it. As I stood rooted to the spot I over heard a conversation an American was having with his friend.
"That was awesome I cannt believe we saw Tony Jaa kicking the shit out of that homeless guy. That was the greatest fight I have ever seen."
As I let my breath out slowly I turned to my petrified female assistant and said, "Thats it you just fucked up another one of my briliant plans. I am getting the hell out of this country. God, I really dont know why I keep you around. Now pack my bags and meet me at the airport............ Oh ya and you better give me a fiver it looks like Daly wins his bet."
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