"A Danner Darkly"

Doctor
“Damage has taken place to the left dominant hemisphere and the right hemisphere is attempting to compensate.”

Dan
“You mean, the two halves of my brain are…competing?”

Doctor.
“That would depend.”

Dan
“On what?”

Doctor.
“Whether or not you consider the Special Olympics a competition.”

Dan
“Guh?”

New Banner Caption

Dan returns from America.
Somehow different.
New helmut?

"Visual Aids"

"TV Times #3"

Coming up next on the new season of 24. The long working hours begin to take their toll on Jack Bauer.

Curtis
“Jack, are you okay? It sounds like you're injured.”

Jack Bauer
“Curtis, if I don’t get to a toilet in the next fifteen minutes, I am going to shit my pants. Do you copy?”

23:15:05… 23:15:06… 23:15:07

Humanity in space 2

“Captains log, star date 25.25.02. We are receiving reports of unidentified…”
“He’s doing it again!”
“Just ignore him.”
“If he doesn’t shut up I’m going to have to beat him senseless. Why is he talking to that lump of plastic anyway?”
“I think it is supposed to be a log.” he said looking at the short, fat, balding, old man standing in the corner of the room.
“That makes about as much sense as cement flavored ice-cream.”
“Don’t start that again. I told you I get confused when good looking women talk to me. Now just drop it.”
“You don’t seem confused when you’re talking to me?”
“I said good looking women.” He muttered under his breath.
She stopped and turned towards him. “What did you say?” she said with murder in her eyes.
“hahum, nothing I was just thinking that lump of plastic is the closest thing to a log on this hunk of junk.” He said quickly changing the subject.
“What do you mean there is a whole hydroponics bay full of tree’s. Not that it would make any more sense but he could have at least looked there.”
“Well actually that’s where he got the lump of plastic. You see the hydroponics bay was supposed to provide extra oxygen for the ship but during construction some bright spark figured out that plastic trees cost half the price of real tree’s and made a tidy profit for himself.”
“This is some amount of Bullshit. I thought this was supposed to be the most expensive ship ever built?”
“Ya well you can pay a man a million quid for a piece of shit. Now that piece of shit is the most expensive piece of shit ever. Doesn’t mean it’s anything more than a piece of shit though does it?”
She nodded and sighed, “What’s for Dinner?”
“Two plastic Carrots and a can of spam, same as yesterday.”
“Nice one,” she said reaching for the pot.
“Captains log supplemental, I fear there may be cling ons……”
The woman walks calmly over to the old man and begins beating him with the pot. As he turns his attention from the sigh of his female companion beating the life out of a crazy, short, fat, balding, old man, he stares into the space he has been floating in for the last 2 years and thinks ‘What the fuck are we doing up here.’

"TV Times #2"

Coming up on classic A-team. The gang plan to utilise an oversized novelty carpenters tool to negotiate over a surface where no point is higher or lower than another. But B.A’s got something to say about that!

B.A
“I ain’t getting on no plane, fool.”

"TV Times #1"

Coming up on Star Trek, The Next Generation, Data finally fulfils his dream to become a human while the rest of the crew fulfil their shared secret dream... to become androids.


Android Picard.
"Commander Data, how long until we reach Starbase 657?"

Data
"Twenty-two hours Captain."

Android Picard.
"Incorrect."

"MSN Messenger: Lump Will Lover Them, Lover All Over Them"

BERNADETTE says:
Hey, what are you doing up so late?
Daniel says:
Having gay orgasms in my ass
Daniel says:
Oops sorry meant that for someone else
BERNADETTE says:
Lol I won't care to comment
Daniel says:
You better not, say nothing to no-body.
Daniel says:
Uh, so how are you?
BERNADETTE says:
And from then on well when the Barbarians tasted beer well then their meager mead was no substitute for the real deal

BERNADETTE says:
I’m fine and that last sentence was not for you
BERNADETTE says:
Lol don't worry I won't
Daniel says:
I'm not worried, for you see, I am only joking.
BERNADETTE says:
Someone once told me: many truths are revealed in jokes
Daniel says:
Oh give it to me big boy
Daniel says:
Oh Jesus sorry.
Daniel says:
That was, also a joke.
BERNADETTE says:
Hahahaha
Daniel says:
Yes indeed, ha ha.

BERNADETTE says:
If you're wondering about the beer
BERNADETTE says:
I’m telling Tom about how it got to Germany
BERNADETTE says:
And about the ancient Egyptians
BERNADETTE says:
And basically (as usual) I’m outlining doing his speech draft for him
BERNADETTE says:
He likes talking about beer to tick me off
Daniel says:
I don't give a shit.
Daniel says:
Ah fuck, sorry, I'm talking to an idiot on messenger
BERNADETTE says:
So I thought it would be fun if he gave a speech about something he likes
BERNADETTE says:
Ah ok
Daniel says:
Not you, this other fucking idiot, he is really annoying the shit out of me. Any suggestions to get rid of him?
BERNADETTE says:
Depends on your relationship to him
BERNADETTE says:
If you know him well
Daniel says:
Yeah?
BERNADETTE says:
Then tell him you are trying to download stuff and can't really talk
BERNADETTE says:
Or something like that I don't know

Daniel says:
That’s good enough for me. How’s lump? I haven't been talking to him in a while?
BERNADETTE says:
Well he is getting pics via email
BERNADETTE says:
I don't know what happened to the ones I sent via mail
BERNADETTE says:
So I finally decided to start using my digital so tom was over and we were loading the stuff up
Daniel says:
Sexy pics? Lump would love that considering all the porn he looks at.
BERNADETTE says:
They are pics of me ok







BERNADETTE says:
Sexy?
BERNADETTE says:
Not really.

"High Coup D'é tat"

Colombian brown,
A wayward red riding hood,
Both can be abused.